I'm sad

I'm really pissed. I'm only 15 and I thought it would be a normal day, but I'm really stressed rn.
so the thing is.. my dad came home drunk again (on Thursday). that's what i hate the most. He even immediately gave me his money and phone, because we always take it from him so he doesn't buy more alcohol. I immediately got nervous and put him to bed so he could sober up. okay, it's not that deep really, I can sit in the living room and sleep there to hear him come out of his bedroom and to make sure he doesn't do anything unnecessary. Surprisingly, I even got some sleep, but the sofa is small and I was scared to sleep on it because I'm afraid of the emptiness under it especially in the dark. and I also didn't have a wall or any support like a part of the sofa near my head, just emptiness, so the pillow would fall to the floor several times and I would wake up. I feel a very strong sense of responsibility when my dad is drunk, and it's hard to bear.
Even though it was only a few days ago, I don't remember the events, as if they are fading away and my brain "protects" me from trauma. I heard on the internet that such a thing exists..
On Friday, mom was home, so she was keeping her eye on him. it was okay(as i remember. It's very difficult for me to establish a timeline because everything is jumbled up in my head like a ball of thread).
on Friday mom came home in the morning because she was working the night shift on Thursday. so I had to make sure dad didn't buy any more alcohol like he always does till mom woke up. Around noon he went somewhere on an electric scooter (which I ride to school on). we really forgot to hide the keys.... that was a mistake. Maybe this fact is a little funny, but it's scary when a father takes a vehicle and goes somewhere without telling anyone drunk... After waking up, my mother went to look for him in our village and the neighboring village, went around the bars. I walked by the store to see if our electric scooter was there. after unsuccessful search №1 We went to light candles before November 1st, because we were supposed to visit graves on Saturday.While we were walking home, some uncle called her and said that dad was at a bar in a village four kilometers away.electric scooter was also there. so mom went to take him home.
At one point my mother called me. She was crying, she said he was nowhere to be found, she was screaming for him, and she couldn't find him. She also got a flat tire on her bike and she couldn't ride home(it was about 3 kilometers at night, darkness). I felt very sorry for her. it really broke me because this is far from the first time, they have been married for 15 years and there have been a lot of such cases. then the village headman called her and said that dad was making noise under the apartments and knocking on doors, people were fussing and saying that some drunk man was making trouble. she recognized my dad's husband because she lived there and saw him. my brother and grandfather went and picked him up. he was drunk as hell. mom and I were a little nervous because we had things to do on Saturday morning.
on Saturday morning mom and I had to go on business, so we couldn't make sure dad didn't go to the store to get alcohol. when we got home he had sobered up only a little and I immediately realized that it would be a few more days...hell. because I always have to watch him so he doesn't look for money everywhere and go buy more vodka.
Sunday. He slowly started to sober up, but brother and I needed to go to the store. We were gone for a maximum of 10-15 minutes. When we arrived, I was disappointed. He was drunk again. Grandma and Grandpa are old and they can't watch him all the time, but why didn't they watch him for those few minutes? I specifically warned them. I put dad to bed. On Sunday I hoped he would completely sober up in a day. mom worked from 7 am to 9 pm that day. I tried really hard to keep an eye on him so he wouldn't get drunk and drink more. It's very stressful for me when he's drunk because he says he's going to die, he feels really bad, he says goodbye to me. as if he is already dying. I don't believe this anymore because it's happened so many times...but what triggers me is that he keeps turning to God, asks me to make the sign of the cross on him, to kiss him on the forehead, because it's like an old tradition to say goodbye to people when they die in my country.... that really traumatizes me, to be honest. also he always prays at night like he's possessed when he's drunk. it scares me. it looks scary 'cause i have an aversion to faith (because after we already dripped him from alcohol once in the hospital and even had to take him to a priest to "enlighten him" he started doing it. He has been singing in the church choir ever since and says he really hopes that I too will want to go to church to worship God someday. My mother and I also prayed that he and my father would not fight and that he would not drink. After that, he also "fell" into faith. I don't know why he became so religious so suddenly, and I don't know whether to believe that our prayers or the enlightenment from the priest worked so well. but still he drinks, for example, on the day of his name angel. in our country there is such a holiday for many names that are common here. Things weren't so serious before.
today, on Monday (it's already yesterday, because I'm writing this at two o'clock on Tuesday, i can't sleep so i won't go to school tomorrow) he was sober, and i was very happy about it. but after i came home from school he started begging me to give him money for beer so that he would feel better. i stood my ground. i don't want this so that samsara repeats itself. He tried to lie and say that his grandfather, grandmother and mother allowed him to drink, but I wouldn't give in. Even when his grandfather agreed and his mother told him to just calm down, I wouldn't give him any money(Mom was tired and wanted to get some sleep before the night shift, as she always does). I think I'm traumatized by the thing that at one point Dad got down on his knees and started reaching out to me, as if to God....I told him to stop, but he didn't listen. I'm really scared of the state when he's drunk and not himself. I don't want to perceive him as a frivolous drunkard who humiliates himself in front of me. I want to see my father,on whom I can rely. a sober one. I hid the money I had so he wouldn't take it. I had vocal lessons, so I went to them. It was good that I got a little bit of a break from the chaos and my father, I needed that. For an hour I didn't feel like his miserable nanny who was in pain just looking at him. at his miserable state, to which he had brought himself, even when I had cried and begged him to stop since childhood.you know those videos where instead of the face of a "drunk parent" making scary faces? that's what I see every time I look at him like that. from a psychological point of view, not in a literal sense. This is scary. I can feel how stressed I am and I honestly don't want to live feeling this way. I want to kill him because I can't stand this strange drunk creature next to me, kill myself, because I can't stand this feeling of excessive responsibility for a grown man whom I can't physically control. In the evening, my mother confessed that my grandfather had told her that he had given my father some vodka from his cupboard to calm him down. I was upset. It's also very difficult for me when my dad is drunk, because he walks, sighs heavily, breathes in a jerky and loud way, and it's scary. It's like he's slowly dying. That evening he came into my room and said "goodbye, I think I'll die in the morning". I knew it wasn't true. And I really hope it wasn't. But those words really hurt me. It hurts me to hear them.because this is not the first time. it scares me to realize that this is really possible. the year before last, my dad's brother died from alcohol. his corpse in a vase stood in my room, when there was no renovation here yet...so I know that death from alcohol is real, and I'm really afraid for my dad because he has stomach problems. he can't have coffee either, but I was very traumatized by the fact that he brewed a lot of coffee today and told my mom "this is so I can die faster". it's terrible. He walked back and forth for a while, really asking me to still give him money when the store was open. Then he started asking me to call an ambulance. I didn't want to. Honestly, I feel sorry for the money. He called it himself. They came and examined him. I couldn't help but feel involved, so I eavesdropped on the whole process. They found some problems in his body. Namely, that one of his pupils is larger than the other, and this can indicate problems with the head... I won't go into details, but a few years ago he fell on his head on the asphalt when he was also walking home from work and he was drunk. Then he broke his head, they stitched it up and he was in the hospital. Also on Friday he fell off my electric scooter, and his headaches got worse. The doctor asked many times after which of these two falls his pupils became different in size. It was only when he was taken to the hospital that I remembered that I had accidentally told him once that His pupil looks bigger than the other one, but he just shrugged. So I think it's the aftermath of a fall a few years ago. I'm really worried. I don't want him to die. I don't know how this diagnosis about the pupil will affect him. I'm scared. I hope he doesn't drink anymore. When he gets out of the hospital, I feel like I I will tearfully explain that it hurts me a lot when he drinks. Probably no one will read this, but it has made me feel much better.,

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:( Home November 03, 2025 at 7:15 pm 0 0