Just Thinking

Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing. and I went on a whole rant saiying how my day was sucky, im done with a lot of things. I had to go to explain to my parents why im done with church, and somehow a couple of my friends found out about the cuts i have and I really wish everyone would leave me alone, but at the same time I absolutely hate the thought of them not caring or something like that. And then my dad gave me this talk about how if I have you know, thoughts to think of him so that I wouldn't do anything which is pretty frustrating. Because I love my dad so so much, but im not happy but if i leave then he's going to be unhappy and it'll just make it harder on everyone. And the worst thing is, is that I have all these different goals that I want to achieve in my life but I just can't get myself to achieve them. My parents also want me to do therapy or whatever even though ive already talked to 100000 different adults about it cause people don't know how to mind their own business. On another note, im so far behind in school cause I just haven't been up for it, and cross country is making me angry, cause I should be running Varsity but the coaches keep wanting other people to do it instead of me even though I could do a little better. But at least me and my friend made up, and not only that the guy I like found out what I was going through and said some really sweet things, but its absolutely heartbreaking to hear them because I told myself I was going to back off because one of my friend likes him, and he already friend-zoned me once a while ago and I definitely don't want to go through that again. Most days I can't sleep or eat but other days all im doing is sleeping or eating a ton. my room is a mess but i don't have the energy to clean it, I think my guy bsf likes me, and I really cannot deal with that ever because ive already had an experience like that, it mentally destroyed me, half of my friends last year won't even talk to me. And the other half won't let me have any space. I feel like im always pretending around everyone, the amount of energy I have to use in a day is exhausting. I can't keep my mind from racing, so many things happen in a day that make me overthink pretty much everything until I go deeper and deeper, and then im stuck in this hole. I keep having recurring memories about things that have happened in the past, most of which aren't good. Sometimes I zone out randomly and forget how to breathe. I can't focus in class, I can't talk to anyone about anything because all they say is, "Oh, im sorry, im here for you" but in reality their not. They have their own problems to deal with and I really can't be the one to add even more on top. Besides, how do I know I can trust them. So many people have said the words "im sorry" and never actually meant it. recently ive really hated or have been scared when someone touches me out of nowhere, because I was physically abused. I had to grow up so fast, as in I had to take care of my brother when I was only 4 and 5, just so that me and my brother could survive, so when people say sorry how can I trust them? And so many people have used the words "im here for you" even though I know for a fact that they won't be there when I need them most. So many people have left me, my birth mom, my birth dad fuck I don't even know who he is, this one person who I loved with all my heart, but he just used me, friends, and so much more. And then when I go through the hardest thing all by myself they show up at the most inconvenient time and just bring more and more memories and thoughts to the point where i am mentally drained beyond what I was before. And, ive tried everything to get them to stop but nothing works. I mean I have a whole fricking box underneath my bed full of letters and letters of things that I want to tell people or what i'm thinking about and it doesn't even matter because they will never read them so I honestly don't know why I even have them or why I keep writing them. And everything is just so dumb and stupid and overwhelming and just to much because I never have a chance to just breathe and relax and clear my mind. I mean running and playing basketball used to do that for me, but now its all just thoughts most of them negative. and they just get worse and worse and worse to the point where I freak myself out, and pretty much just shut down, it's like that hole again, there really is no way out of it. I just don't know when to stop and when something is enough. God, I really don't want anyone to know whats going on because im a mess. Im a fricking mess that just gets messier and messier. People say it'll get better, but i don't care about that. I know its going to get better with time, but how much time will it take, and can I even last that long, i mean look at me for goodness sakes, its almost eleven at night, I have to wake up early tomorrow for a x-country race, im not tired whatsoever and im just ranting about my stupid life when in reality people have your own life to deal with. I just don't know when to stop, I could keep going forever and ever but it wouldn't even matter because it wouldn't do anything for me, so anyways yeah, thats how im doing

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anonymous Other September 10, 2022 at 12:43 am 0 0