life sucks and i just want my dad to care

I am a Senior in high school. In my four years here, I have done 4 years of One-Act, around 30+ choir performances/competitions, and 2, soon to be 3, musical performances (with hopefully a lead this year). My dad has only shown up to one of my performances and it was my Freshman year One-Act performance that we got 8th place with. I played a background character with literally only 5 lines.

Now for background information, my dad lives in Nevada. I live about 14 hours away in another state, but it wasn't always like this. My dad moved out to Nevada after I was born. His parents, siblings, and friends all live near me, so I never understood why he would leave everyone he cared about. I get it, he has a degree in audio tech, and there isn't much work for a technician out where I live, but why have a child and then move so far away?

Back to my rant's main point. These coming months are going to be my most performance-heavy ones. I have two competitions and a performance next month for choir, in March we have our Fine Arts Gala for the arts programs our school has, in April we have our musical performances as well as District Music Competiton, (I will be performing in three choirs, 1 quartet piece, 2 trio pieces, 2 solos, and possibly a duet piece), and finally in May we have our Choir Awards Ceremony where I will be getting my Choir Honor Chord that I've worked so hard for these past few years. For once, I would like my dad there. Especially at my last musical performance and at the choir awards ceremony.

The last time my dad came to a musical performance of mine was in 8th grade. It was my second year of actually being part of the cast instead of the crew, and I was doing pretty good for someone who had no original interest in music/acting. Our production was 'Into The Woods Jr.' and I played Rapunzel. My dad told me he couldn't come. But as we were standing outside in the hall afterward, shaking hands and giving hugs to audience members, my dad came up to me with a Frozen balloon of Elsa and Olaf and asked me "Do you wanna build a snowman?" I was surprised and happy and excited and too emotional at the moment. I screamed "Oh my god!" and pulled him into a hug, crying at the fact that he had shown! It took me a moment to even realized he had quoted Frozen and it had nothing to do with our show. Afterward, I quickly changed and he, myself, and my grandparents made a three-hour drive that night to a city a state over where we spent a couple of days before returning home.

The feeling I felt that night was unimaginable. Thanks to technology and moms being sentimental, I had a video of that night and those moments and anytime I needed it, I would go back and watch it. Because that joy came from my dad being there. It made my night so much better. But now...it hurts. Knowing that the past 30+ performances I have had and not once has he shown. Not once has he been in the audience clapping or waiting to give me a big hug after I was done. Not once was he there when I needed him most.

My musical performances are from the 7th - 9th of April. My last ever musical performances. I plan on majoring in Computer Science in college, so I have no room in my schedule for music/theater since that's not similar to my major at all. Our school is doing The Lightning Thief, based on the Percy Jackson books. I plan on auditioning for Annabeth, and I'm sure to get it since I'm the oldest senior who has been doing Choir, One-Act, and Musical every single year here. My freshman year, it was 'The Addams' Family', my sophomore year it was supposed to be 'Anyone Can Whistle' but quarantine shot that one down. Last year, my junior year, we did 'A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder' and would have been a lead love interest had I not been too nervous to audition for her. Now, this is my chance to shine, to put to use the skills I have honed for 6+ years. And my dad won't be there to watch.

Our Choir Awards Ceremony will be on the 3rd of May, five days before my graduation. Eight days before my 18th birthday. My dad and step-mom plan on flying in on the 6th. I don't have the courage to ask if they can leave that Monday instead because I want them there. I want them to see what I have accomplished. I want to walk out of that performing arts center and I want to hug my mom. My step-dad. My sisters. My grandparents. My aunts. My uncles. My friends. But most importantly, I want to hug my dad. I want to be able to walk up to him, with that pink honor chord that represents my passion for theater and music, and I want to show him how hard I've worked. I want him to be proud of me. I want him to be proud of his only daughter. His only child.

One thing that has always irked me, is the fact that I never see him. My birthday, a week or two in the summer, and then alternating between Thanksgiving and Christmas every year are the only times I see him. I have been in this world for nearly 18 years and my step-siblings who have only been his step-kids for 3 years get to see him more than I do. I get it. He lives in the same city as them. They're full-grown adults who have almost finished college. But it still hurts when I find out he takes them on trips to go stay in cabins for a week or two or trips to the beach in California. Why not come home? Why not come see your aging parents who are slowly coming to their end? Why not come see your high school friends who are too hooked to the small town life to leave? Why not come see the growing daughter that you left behind in a town that will never understand her? I'm so tired of feeling like our family is second best to everything he has in Nevada. I'm so tired of feeling like I matter less to him than my step-mom and step-siblings do. You don't have a kid and then run off to play house with someone else.

I can't help but feel like I'm not enough for him. And I don't think I ever will be.

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Rain Other January 24, 2022 at 2:17 am 0 0