I m Going to be A Terrible Mother

The due date is one week away.

I’ve been so wrapped up with work that I am drastically unprepared. I’ve been so sick that I’ve let the house become a mess.

How am I going to raise a child when I can’t even stop thinking about suicide for an hour? I work 80-100 hours a week for a job that sucks away my soul and get paid $39,000 a year for it.

I’m pathetic. I’m a terrible role model. She’s going to see her mother’s life and think that all the world is, is misery. I’m going to accidentally teach her to give up on her dreams and let herself be mistreated.

She’ll wonder why she should even get a master’s degree if she’ll make less than minimum wage. She’ll think work is more important than her to me.

I have reasons I can’t quit, at least not for another 6 months, but how do I know the next job won’t be just as terrible? Maybe it’s in my DNA to be miserable and she’ll have the same flawed code.

I just want her to be happy. I was happy and brave before my gaslighting job made me hate myself. Can I change my ways and be a good mother for her or am I completely hopeless? Her father said I’ve lost all my light and he would prefer he be the primary caregiver. Will I lose all custody someday for being so depressed?

She deserves more than me.

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anonymous Home October 30, 2021 at 8:21 pm 0 0