expectation v reality

I wish I was the prodigy my family made me out to be when I was a child.
I didn't have any specific talents or anything I just had a lot of common sense and it was viewed as high intelligence, but I'm barely average at best.
Since I've graduated high school Ive dropped out of college and done nothing since. I briefly worked at walmart and now im a substitute janitor at an elementary school.

I've accomplished nothing and to this day, I still have no hobbies or interests or anything. I don't do anything at all really. And I have a stupid mentality that if I try something once and am not immediately good at it, I will quit instantly. I genuinely will not let myself try new things because if I fail (not literally the best at it as the bare minimum) I will fucking kill myself. I realize that's childish and dramatic, but I have to be good at stuff. I can't really understand how or why that is so deeply ingrained in me, but it literally is ruining my life a little bit.

The rest of what's ruining my life is me in general. I have no motivation to do anything.

I am so unhappy with myself and everything around me and I have no motivation to stop it.

I feel so inferior constantly, especially around my friend/roommate. Because she's actually really smart, but that's not what bothers me. What bothers me and makes me feel like shit is that she constantly has to make sure she knows you know she's smarter than you, and you're not allowed to express an opinion or even just offhandedly guess wrongly about something you don't know about or she'll look at you like you're a full on fucking idiot and say something in a condescending manor.

I know she most likely doesn't realize she's doing it and the smart thing to do would be to bring it up and tell her to stop, but I would literally rather bury it and push it to the side instead of dealing with it. Every time we have a disagreement it turns into a silent grudge match that sometimes goes on for months until someone finally fucking says something. I don't know why we do this and I have theories as to why, but I currently don't care about the why.

This is something small that will probably be brought up at some point, but right now I don't feel like it makes a big enough impact on anything that makes it worth bringing up.

Anyway, basically I am mentally fucked up and instead of doing something about my sad life, I'd rather just hold it all in and pretend it doesn't exist and then rant about it online to no one resolving nothing.

I wish people's expectations of my success in life didn't start as a fucking toddler.

I wish I was able to live up to and past those expectations.

I wish I could find that motivation to push myself to accomplish things.

I wish I wasn't a miserable person.

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anonymous Other July 17, 2019 at 9:15 pm 0 0