I just needed to vent I geuss

Have you ever been told, “You’re too nice”? If you didn't, you wouldn't expect it to cut so deep. In fact, it sounds like a compliment. If you’re like me, you grew up minding your p’s and q’s and being told “remember, be nice today!” every day when being brought to school. Until you have lived it, you don't understand how many consequences being kind has. Everyone loved me in elementary school, partly because I was so nice and didn't care what people thought about me. Or, it could have just been the fact that kids weren't as mean at that stage. From middle school, I went through what people called an “ugly stage”. On top of that, in 7th grade, I moved to a new school. You can imagine what that was like. After I got home the first day, I cried to my mom and told her “I don't look like any of them”. I had one friend in 7th grade, spent lunch alone, and focused on school. People would make jokes, what they didn't know was that I cared a lot about what they thought. The whole reason I didn’t talk was that I felt as though if I did they would make fun of me even more. They wouldn't like how my mouth moved a certain way or would make jokes about my baby fat. So, I spent the rest of the year practically silent. In 8th grade, I went in with the goal of making friends. I put on a whole new persona. I wore a dress that showed my legs. I was still self-conscious, so I put on a jean jacket over that. Sure enough, I did it. By the end of the 8th-grade year, I had about six friends. It felt good until things got bad. I started feeling anxious in the way that I felt anxious over tests. But only, it was constant and in social situations. That anxiety had always been there, but it had been bubbling up. I looked for ways to control it, I imagined that the reason I felt so out of place was that I wasn't pretty enough. If I was pretty enough, I would be more confident. If I was pretty enough, I would speak to people. Over 9th grade, It kept getting worse. My parents didn't know how to handle me. I spent days in my bedroom locked up away from the world. Even to my best friend, It was hard to explain. How am I supposed to tell someone, I am 14 and I didn't want to be here anymore. I also started to realize I still didn't like my body, even though I was at a healthy weight and played volleyball. So, I started downing water instead of my usual snacks. My stomach would rumble in class, I would ask my one friend if she could hear it. When I did, she would just tell me to eat. I told her no, I'm fine I probably just need more water. This control of what I was putting into my body led me to become even more health-conscious. I became vegan at 14 years old. My family was concerned, I knew they were. But, I was willing to try and lose weight in order to be happy. So, I became underweight. I still wasn't happy. I told my sister, tears rushing down my face, that I had tried everything. I learned recently my mom was going to call an ED institute. My mom didn't know how to parent a kid who was sad. I felt bad, but I couldn't just stop being the way I was. I would end up in screaming matches with my parents, asking me why I was sad. I was deemed as ungrateful, selfish, and immature for how I acted. I was the perfect student and person outside of my home, but I hated myself inside and out. It was only till I told my mom I was having thoughts that I felt as though she took it seriously. I went to therapy. I came out of it still having problems, which I expected. The thing I have learned is, you don't have to fake who you are anymore. I spent so much time worrying about what others would think of me If I said something stupid. I don't fucking care anymore. And when I do start caring, I write a message like this. Reminding myself that changing myself won't make me happy. People try and put you in a box. The second you step out of that box is when they get mad at you. They try to make you fucking conform to their own idea of you. Fuck that. You and I are allowed to believe in whatever the hell we want. People laugh at you, let them. It doesn't fucking matter, you are you. Of course, be kind. If someone is hurting you, walk away. It's not worth your time. If they want an explanation, give them one but it's not in your business to feel bad anymore. I guess what I am saying is portraying someone you're not will make you lose your mind. It's not worth the stress. Let go of the people who never actually knew the real you. You can't control every situation, but you can control how you feel about yourself. You are going to have to deal with your personality and mind for the rest of your life. Do things that in the long run are going to make you happy. If you don't know what makes you happy, like me, we are both going to learn eventually. So, just stop worrying about how to fix yourself or thinking you are not good enough.

---

Sid Other January 24, 2021 at 9:02 pm 0 0