Ughh

So really it's just general shit I need to get off my chest before I breakdown completely!
WE my husband me and our 2 sons (4 & 1) have been struggling money wise over spending just generally being idiots I guess. But still I have been a stay at home mom since having my little boy and it is all a lot harder than my first son. But I applied for this job as we need the money regardless of everything so I did and unfortunately I didn't get it I was one of the final 2 so very close but still didn't get it.
Right now I get I'm not working so I will obviously be doing the majority of things at home completely understood and I'm not arguing against that. I'm not driving at the minute so he is driving where ever we need to go which I appreciate but apparently that means I have to do literally everything else and anything to do with the house or the kids I have to deal with on my own. so the other night he lies there just before I'm about to fall asleep (our baby isn't well so hasn't been sleeping well so I was exhausted) and says what are we gonna do about money what are you doing to sort it have you looked at another job applied or got anything yet it needs sorting! He then turns over without a care and falls asleep so that's it I have a million things running through my mind so now I can't sleep so I get up sort through finances, check my emails see if I have interviews or whatever, look for other jobs to apply for come up with a plan and finally get to bed. The little one is then up loads and I don't get much sleep the next day I try to tell him what I have worked out and he just shouts so we're screwed then and completely ignores everything I'm trying to say and watches his phone. Urghh
So I talk to my dad and he bails us out once again and has sat down and chatted so we can sort some sort of plan to which my husband hasn't even tried to discuss with me.
My husband works shifts so he's just had his 3 off days. As I have said my little one hasn't been well so I'm exhausted he could help me out but no he sleeps, he wakes and plays xbox or watches his phone he does take the eldest to school but that's it. I ask if he can watch the little one so I can do jobs and he just ignores him to play games and I have to sort it and he's more worked up so he's a lot harder than when I'd settled him. At this point I'm in tears I'm exhausted the house is a shit tip and I'm stressing about everything. So I think right we can work together and sort this so I go to him we have to go see my nan as she has our Christmas money that we need to put into the account which he complained about and rudely sit there and doesn't say a word to anyone then I say OK so now can we do some jobs just to ease the mess a bit to which he says he's going out with his friend to look at cars well long story short he had 3 days off and went off doing what he wants playing xbox with mates shouting down his mic to them and causing mayhem. So I just do what I can so I finished Christmas shopping I started earlier so we could spread money and budget easier so I tried to finish up but little one was becoming too much at which point my husband comes in shouting saying he needs this and that to which I reply I have a nice present for Christmas and ive spent a lot to make sure he has something he wants and is nice I sacrificed my own gift and have had money as my present for my birthday just gone to pay for it. To which he replies for fuck sake why have you done that how do you know it's something that I want it's my fucking money I pay for everything fucking thing so I can do whatever the fuck I want and if I need something I can get it as it is my money and I think you need to remember that. I felt like walking out and crying how do you even reply to an outburst like that.
We have had a tough year when our little one was born he was quite poorly and he was breastfeeding which in turn made me rather poorly I think I spent the first few months of his life crying in pain and worry and when I needed the support of my husband he just turned to me and practically blamed me. It's something wrong with your breast milk youre obviously not doing something right urghh
Well I'm certainly not over the way he treated me then or how he made me feel and just when I felt like things were picking up he's turned into a monster.
I try and have a conversation and he doesn't listen to me and then talks at me about random shit. He is forever on his phone or xbox or watching shitty pointless videos and does fuck all to help me or the lads. He is more concerned about his mates than his wife or son. He hasn't asked me how I'm doing or anything and when I asked for a few hours alone time no kids no jobs just some time off from it all I got 'I work these are my days off you are off everyday, you don't work this is what you signed up for'
I just, I have never felt so lonely and it feels silly as I have a roof over my head 2 amazing boys who I love unbelievable amounts and a life that really most people would love to have. But I just don't feel like me I feel as though I'm slowly losing it. I cry at night by myself I go to bed a bit later just so I can sit and cry and just think, I feel judged by everyone and have noone who I can just talk to or meet up or whatever, I have no money so even if I was tempted to take a break for a couple of hours I have nowhere to go and no way of getting there. I'm trapped. I'm lonely and the person who is supposed to be my best friend who is supposed to be there for me seems to be too self absorbed to notice I even exist as a person.
I would totally just leave take the boys and go I told him to stop at his mom's as I needed time away from him and I got I pay for the house and everything in it so no chance you do one. I have nowhere to go and I can't uproot the boys for however many weeks or whatever the situation would be.
I love my husband and that's the only reason I'm sticking around other than the boys I want us to work I want us to be good and happy and I can't seem to hold onto the anger enough to get it all out when I need it and I will not argue in front of the lads that's just not fair.
I'm lost I'm lonely and I'm losing sanity and hope
I'm so lucky and yet I feel like I'm holding onto the few things that I can and the rest is falling apart but noone else knows. I just need something anything to make me feel like more than just this mom machine that apparently has no needs or emotions.
Urghh I know that didn't make sense but at least it isn't just bottled up as much.

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Hannah Relationships November 25, 2019 at 7:48 pm 0 0