Insecurity about self

I feel super insecure everyday. I feel like I will not amount to anything even though amounting to anything isn’t even my goal in life. My goal in life is to help others and help lighten others pain. I want to be a doctor, but in a lot of ways I’ve really failed in the past academically and I hold these failures against myself instead of forgiving myself and starting anew. I got a gpa of 3.2 in college so far after 2 semesters and in high school I slacked off and played video games and got a 3.0 gpa. I’m tired of making excuses and want to do better. and I know that it is unacceptable to become a doctor with those grades and I want to do better. I’ve been taking steps to better myself in almost every aspect in life, I’ve ate and managed my physical health better as well as pursuing my hobby of basketball, I’ve gone regularly to mass as well as attempted to remain close to God, I’ve studied more and harder, I’ve been as social as I can be. But still below it all I still have that self hatred and inability to not see myself in that all or nothing light. Like I know that I should get over myself as there are bigger issues in the world for sure, and I am trying my best to help with the portion I have in life. But I really hate myself and trying to do better everyday. I construct this narrative in my head and I set myself up for failure instead of being honest with myself. I wish that I knew the right steps to take, but frankly I’m just trying to work hard and to be more productive everyday. However at the end of the weeks and the hard times I feel like life isn’t worth living, I want to get past this as I want to help do everything I can to make the world a better place. And I know my mental health is important. But I feel like the logical thing to do is to see myself as a failure because of my own lack of work ethic in studies. Like I wish I could go 110% everyday I wish I had all the energy in the world. I wish that I had a pure heart and that I wouldn’t give into my own pride and had absolute self control. But who I am right now is insufficient and the work I’m putting in still isn’t enough even though I have been giving so much. I wish there was someone that understood the pain that this all causes and could instead of calling me crazy or to turn away tell me to keep pushing through the pain and push harder. Because all I want to do is give up and to live a lazy life. Like I have grown so much and it still isn’t enough. I have lost over 120 pounds and gotten better at basketball, quit videogames, done better in school, became an extrovert. There are so many things I have changed about myself and yet I still feel this emptiness in my heart. I know that no matter what I do I will never be content. And I’m ok with that.

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Gideon School September 14, 2022 at 8:40 pm 0 0