My heart is breaking

I don't want to deal with this pain. I fell for someone I was told not to and now my heart is paying the price. He is supposed to come over tomorrow to pick up some things before I leave town for a while. And I don't know if Imma be able to handle it. We had a fight and I said things I shouldn't have. And didn't say things I should have. I feel like I fucked up and that he hates me. And I don't blame him if he does cause I honestly hate myself too. More than I did before. I'm so scare to talk to him cause I don't wanna make things worse. His texts seem so cold towards me. I'm scared ill never make things up to him or fix what I did wrong. I just want to drink till I can't remember anything. Erase my memories and pain. I cry for hours every night till I fall asleep. Just thinking about the happy moments we shared. All the things he did that shows he cared about and loved me. Remembering his touch. His smile. Things I'll probably never get to see or feel again cause I fucked up. I love him. It's that kind of love you know you'll never get over. I'll always love him. Nothing in this world could make me stop loving him. Matt, if you by chance ever see this, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I said you should have just told me I didn't have a chance. I'm sorry that I acted like we were married, I just care and worry about you and want the best for you. I'm sorry I was clingy and stupid. For not knowing what to say about the things you found out. For being selfish about not caring about how much time is left. For just everything. I told you that your feelings were more important than mine and they always will be. And I'll still always be here for you. Ill always keep my promise to you. Forever and always, no matter what. You are the one that's out there for me. That someone amazing you told me about. It's you. I wish you could see why I say that. There is no one else in this world I want to love. But I fucked up. And I'm so so sorry.

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anonymous Relationships March 19, 2019 at 3:08 pm 1 0