Why Can't I Be Happy

Genuinely curious as to what I did to God to put me in a family with a father like this. Over the span of my childhood, of course there were good memories. But mainly bad ones. Then, as the months (not years MONTHS) pass, my dad just got worse and worse and he just grew to resent me or something. Now, I'm 20 years old at uni in my home town, 2nd year, and it was the worst decision of my life. I should have gone to the far school I had originally chosen. But of course, I let them convince me its smarter to stay at home. And now, worse than ever, this school year has been the worst of my life. Since September he has been progressively getting worse and worse. Since the exact night before 2nd semester started, mind you my father just got back from a trip to Florida for my cousins birthday (couldn't go bc I had work), I thought I had that grace period, since whenever he coems back from a trip we have about a week usually until he goes back to being his miserable self. But this time, I guess I didn't because he is telling my grown 20 year old ass to go to bed at 11pm. Before you call me spoiiled or some shit, living in my parents house and complaining abt this, we were in our living room I was watching tv. I was at peace, and my class wasn't even until 2pm and its 11 something. I looked at him confused like why is this man telling me to go to sleep like im 10. I told him I'm not tired, I'll go to bed when im tired. Should have been the end of it, right? Wrong. He immediately gets rude and aggressive, and I'll admit, I got attitude-ish too. Simply because he started insulting me, and I'm not 15 taking his insults anymore, I learned I don't have to take it every single time, regardless of him being my father. So what did he do? He got up, took this foldable metal (HARD) table we have in the living room, picked it up, threatened to hit me with it if I didn't go to bed (see, its such a dumb reason for a fight, but he makes the dumb things into such big deals) and of course I still stood my ground. There was no way on earth I was giving him the satisfaction of thinking his threats work, because that enables him and makes him continue to do it in the future. Mind you, unfortunately, i know damn well he wasn't bluffing. But I'd rather take those hits than ever let him think I'll succumb to his bullshit ever again. So what did he do? You know exactly what he did. To the point where I had bruises on my legs. This is the same father everyone tries to tell me "he loves me, that's why he is so tough on you," and that sentence gives me genuine shell-shock. Because how dare you tell me him hitting me so hard because my grown ass didn't want to go to bed yet is valid? Or what about when it was my 10th birthday (or somewhere around that) and I didn't want to dance to Justin Bieber (ON MY OWN BIRTHDAY) because I was in my tom-boy phase, and dancing/liking Justin Bieber was the same as liking pink? And he took me upstairs and took my purple bratz guitar toy and was about to hit me with it? (All I can picture is his hand with the guitar hovering over his head, but I can't remember if he hit me or not, I think my little brain blocked it out). There are so many instances like this but I've recalled them far too many times for my brain to process, and just writing these hurt my heart so much and every day I fight with God wondering what I did that was so bad to deserve a father like him. There is no redeeming him, and I want to move out so bad but I make like 200 dollars a week, I can't afford to move out. I work part time and I am attending university so I can't even work more than that. I feel like there is only one solution out of this life.

Did I also mention that I am bisexual? Also my parents are Orthodox immigrants from Eritrea? Very religious? and I'm closeted? yea. its fun because now whenever it IS one of those good days with my dad, or I'm having a great time with my mom, that memory will just pop into my head and I'll remember that they would not even be talking to me if they ever found out. Or God knows what would happen to me bc of my dad? But I talk about how afraid I am that they will find out, but then I think of a life where if I choose to marry the girl of my dreams, and I want to live a happy wonderful life with her and adopt a beautiful child. But I can't do that with my parents in my life like this. And it breaks my heart. I notice that I leave my wlw books a little too exposed in my room, or I'll leave my bracelet out in the open, not really caring if they know what the colours mean, or I stop putting screenshots/videos of gay things in my hidden folder in the photos app, not caring if for whatever reason they saw it in my camera roll.

i'll see tiktoks of these girl dads and wonder what I did wrong as a BABY to not get this. Either my dad hates himself, or hates me, or both. But either way, I am a firm believer in your actions may have a reason behind them, but it doesn't make it okay. I don't give a flying FUCK if it is my dads mental health making him act like this, the fact that he chooses to hurt his little girl every time something doesn't slightly go his way, or if someone disagrees with him in the slightest, and the only line that comes to my mind is Conan Gray family line "And wondered what I did to deserve this how could you hurt a little kid" like what did I do?

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- 3ldestd@ught3r Home April 09, 2026 at 12:24 am 0 0