feeling fake, feeling like im not myself

it makes me sad that i am not who i know i could be. it makes me sad to know i could be better right now, and I don't think I'd like to admit what it is thats mentally holding me back. maybe fear, maybe the fact that i am held to high expectations, that i expect more of myself. i am not average i know that, i am creative. i am passionate. i am genuine. i am happy. i am social, uplifting, emotionally intelligent, kind, smart, and beautiful. i seem to be blessed with it all, but i feel so underaccomplished compared to what i have done in the past. i am sad, but i choose not to let my tears out. my tears of nostalgia, of profound spiritual realizations, of appreciating what i have in the present, and of my regrets/fears. i am known for holding in my sadness, while trying to uplift others. but i am not good at being a friend, or a student. i am unsure of how good i am as a daughter, or even a sister. i am completely unsure of how i am as a Muslim. i feel like a fake muslim, one who wears the hijab publicly but sins privately. this is not a rant i'd like to type into chatgpt, or even something i want to receive feedback on. i just wanna rant because i'm tired of holding everything in. im tired of not being able to think on my own, but i know that my own epiphanies are the ones that matter and are the ones that are real. i need to speak in order to listen to myself, and the hidden message of what i am trying to say subconsciously. i feel like a bad friend many times, just using others for their efforts. not intentionally, but because i often fall short in my own effort despite the fact that i'd like to do more. all i can say now is thank you, or im sorry. that upsets me. it upsets me that i have made myself incapable of taking initiative, in all aspects of my life. im unable to take initiative in becoming a better muslim, a high value Muslim i know i can be. im tired of being unable to take initiative as a student, just putting off studying until the last minute and accepting bad grades, or even accepting a bad schedule with bad professors because i didn't take initiative in clearing a financial hold on my account that could have been completely preventable. im super freaking frustrated with myself on not taking initiative in applying to competent programs i know i can get in, but still have huge fears about doing like applying to that research lab on campus or abroad research program that will give me unforgettable experiences. i am tired and frustrated on myself for feeling shitty and not doing enough. for not taking opportunities handed to me on a gold platter. i am tired of this. i hate this version of me. i know i can do better. what happened to the version of me in high school who was officers of multiple clubs? who would seethe if i even got a B in class? who am i? why did i dig myself this hole? what happened to that version of me who would pray often. i mean, i would never wish to return to her but i feel like i have regressed in some ways. i am of course not discounting all of the growth and maturation i have had. no, i am proud of that part of myself who learned driving, and can actually have permission to drive around. but i am lacking so hard. i am sad right now. sad that this version of me also forgets my endless blessings. sad that i am not being appreciative or conscious enough of dua's Allah has answered. Things i have begged for, almost doubting their ability to come true, are dreams i am living in right now. and i feel angry i can't appreciate this enough. i am angry that despite seeing these dreams come to fruition almost magically, i still choose to sin. i still choose to skip my prayers, and instead doomscroll for hours on end. i am sick of myself. i portray a mature woman to all my friends, who stands tall, dresses well, and presents herself very nicely. but that's why i feel fake. my persona doesn't match my potential. my persona is great, but i'm not using it to my advantage. im not building a network of strong, like-minded people that can continue to inspire me. im not applying for that next life-changing opportunity, im not disciplining myself on reading the quran or praying 5 times a day. this world, this dunya is so loud and overstimulating i just cannot focus what i even came here for. i know i need to change, but my procrastination knows that the amount of work i have to do just feels so heavy. it feels like i can put it off, maybe take a nap, or doomscroll just one more hour. but i know i've waited like this every single day for almost one year, and the more i push these responsibilities back the heavier my regret will feel in the pit of my stomach. it's become hard to swallow, yet i am left no choice but to suck it up. i will be happy again if i choose to do so. i will begin to feel deserving of my blessings. only then, will i feel like my true self and not this sore loser.

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anonymous School December 03, 2025 at 6:37 pm 0 0