Why do I keep putting up with this? I hate life

Ok. I don't want to make this post as cringey as it is. I know some of you won't even give a damn but it's worth making a post to express my frustration with life and my faith.

I wake up everyday with the same routine. Clean tend to family and read the bible. Simple as that. I read two pages a day and write verses on square notes. I have been reading since August 20, 2025 and have been doing so ever since still until today. I read front to back starting from genesis and I'm currently on the book of John as of writing this.

I'm mad. I don't like how my life is going. I don't read this long book for praise or to be seen as a good person. I do it cuz it's a commitment. But once you tell people your reading it they start to set expectations of you. They expect you to follow and obey stuff. To never let out your anger. I say fuck that. I obey the rules of god. I really do. I don't do certain stuff cuz I'm afraid god is gonna smite me any time. But there are times were I get mad and that's when they start to point at me and lower me down.

It's been a total of like 4-5 times where my mother has screamed at me and told me to stop reading the bible. "Stop reading that bible!" And "your not getting anything out of that!" And "bible bible there and your not even practicing it! You hypocrite!". She is one of the two people who know I spent more than an hour of my time everyday reading the bible. Just because I get mad under pressure and burst out screaming random words she shames me and tells me to stop.
There was an incident where this happened and I posted on my personal facebook account about it and she saw it and told me to delete it. The one thing I learned about is that no one genuinely cares about your situation. No one gives a damn and they are only there when things are good. The only reason I'm posting about this anyways is because it's anonymous and reddit is a shell for me to post unfiltered thoughts without any worthless fake friends on my Facebook looking and laughing at me. I'd rather do this where no one knows me.

Why do you think I spent my time reading my butt off a book with over 600 pages and reading them carefully? Despite this, I still continue to read and keep going. One thing I learned to do is to keep going forward cuz fuck everyone in this world.

Then there's irritations in my life. I have my evil sister who defiles my mom, cries wolf and doesn't do shit around the house. My body aches everyday doing chores while other people my age are going out and doing whatever the fuck they want while I am trapped in my house suffering. I have this messed up duality mindset where I genuinely believe I'm in hell and this is my punishment for some sin I've done.

It's the same things everyday. It's been a year. A year. I do the same thing everyday. Sometimes I'm amazed I haven't died yet of exhaustion due to the amount of things I do everyday. Sometimes I think that death is better than living in this fallen world. Ofc, I don't really believe the whole SELF HARM thing is good. I think that's a stupid way to day and a one way ticket to hell. I only wandered about that maybe one time a month cuz I'm so occupied by shit.

I get six hours of sleep everyday. I wake up early and do stuff. The same things. It repeats. I must be in limbo. The moment my mom sees this she's gonna balat at me for how ungrateful I am and how I'm a hypocrite and blah blah blah.

Idk man. I ended up making this post and now my eyes are heavy. I'm so fucking tired. I thought summer would give me some time to game but instead I'm just trapped in this house still filled with chores and my devil sister.

I pray to god to make things change and that my life may be as smooth and easy as it was before. I miss those days when I was a kid where I with sit on my ass watching tv and having no care in the world. Now my efforts are practically pointless. All my attempts to do what is write like worrying about what food should I prepare for my siblings to eat is seen as me being annoying again and that I need to 'calm down'.

Once in a while, I get a dream. And this is very rare. I mostly get nightmares. Yea. Nightmares. Three in one dream usually. And in that dream, I'm just chilling. And sitting down. It's me again. Watching YouTube as a kid without worrying.


Now, what is this post gonna be? I'm guessing it's gonna be deleted by mods cuz of the swearing and stuff.

And now my mother just interrupted. I had to close this tab for a while. She's back calling me weak and gay and a failure. I'll continue to put a smile on my face, finish school and go abroad. Far away from these people. Change my name, and identity.

I don't need toxic people in my life I already have that and I'm sick of it. No one even notices me on this digital space. Problably cuz the mods removed my posts of I'm just lost in a sea of texts.

I'll keep doing what I'm doing. I'll continue to live and do whatever I'm doing. Reading and praying. Yea, I still pray for a long ass time even if I'm tired before I sleep. I spent my ass doing shit and. For the past two days, I start thinking "yikes. Life sucks. But if I die now, I won't see the other stuff". I start thinking that maybe there's a good thing waiting for me out there. But who knows.


If you made it this far reading this. Thx. It means a lot. I'm just saying that cuz I realized I made a long ass text. Have a good day and god bless you. Peace.

Yo btw, my discord is D3C or D3cheese cuz fuck it. I'm willing to see if anyone cares. Fuck what the hell am I doing...

---

Blueflameguy304 Religion May 06, 2026 at 11:59 am 0 0