Who do you think you're fooling?

I think I'm done ranting. Like, my indie game isn't gonna do shit probably. All that said I'm starting to gray box the first part of the game in Unity. Some of the textures and set pieces look pretty cool to me. I probably won't miss the holiday window which sucks and is gonna make promotion really difficult. Even if I do miss it, it won't be by much. I definitely won't do it here ranting, but I got some more shit I wanna say regardless of how popular the shit is.

Do really people who really claim they look beyond wealth or socioeconomics really think they're fooling anyone? I'm particularly talking about women. Blah blah blah just be nice and work hard or some shit. That isn't how the system works. Most white collar jobs are obtained by knowing someone who can get you into that role. The door is closed for most blue collar workers beyond their control. It's how the system is designed. In other European countries like Great Britland it's very similar even if it's not as obvious as the caste system in India. The hierarchy is nowhere near as flat as they try to pretend.

And women out here who could get any guy really try to convince us that normal guys would have a shot? I remember Megan Fox during her Transformers days getting nerds on the internet excited because she said in an interview once that she loved nerds. You see tons of bimbos/adult entertainers who claim they just want a guy who's normal, but a normal guy isn't gonna have a 12 pack abs and 14" dick. They aren't making six figures, probably. I know plenty of normal men who don't fit any of those parameters. They likely aren't gonna be the highest tier of donor unless they're heavily in debt over masturbating to you.

And the sort of women who post on Reddit are no better. A lot of them spin around in their chairs and make themselves as unapproachable as possible in public. Especially if you've ever had an issue with women causing problems with you in the past.

Trying to cope with how my body starts to react around women is a point that always ends therapy. Always. The exercises they give don't work, the other shit they try to suggest doesn't work, and if I say anything it's entirely and fully my fault alone. So I end up back at square one. Trying to work things out with another therapist just to leave again in a month.

And yes, it matters. I'm tribal NDN. We don't have a ton of people in my tribe, and my tribe is afraid of our language becoming extinct. I believe we have two native speakers alive right now. They've been pushing for people like me to have children so we can teach them our language at birth as a first language, and then English as a second one. Blah blah blah, something or another about shit you know nothing about because your culture isn't going extinct. Stay in your fucking lane.

There's a lot of pressure on me to contribute to this shit. Even outside my tribe in general society plenty of men left and right judge me for being childless and perpetually single. The same white knights who come rushing to the aid of a feminist when there's karma on the line will change their tune in private. Obviously so are the bible thumping hardcore religious fanatics, depending on their religious background. I can get a catholic to back off by citing their history, but other religions can be a bit more pushy here.

Ideally, it wouldn't matter. Ideally, it'd be no one's business. Ideally, I'd be able to live with my hand happily ever after. Go fuck off to the middle of nowhere never to be seen again, finally be happy, and everything would be fine. Except that isn't how that works in this society. So I'm stuck trying to play your games, watch goalposts get shifted, and hear about how I"m never working hard enough or I'm always wrong. Doesn't matter what someone pretends to think politically or religiously.

So I'm stuck playing these games and trying to navigate therapy while doing it, and when therapy fails because the system doesn't give a fuck it's my fault. All because people can't be honest and think they're somehow being helpful by lying. Newsflash: You're going to drive people like me to suicide, not to get help. People get burnt out trying to accomplish goals they're told are reasonable, but really aren't for reasons beyond their control. Doesn't have to be a particular type of woman or settling down and having a kid. I've dated women all across the attractiveness spectrum for varying lengths. Some I was more lenient to than others. On the surface because I'm a horrible sexist, but really because I built this amazing idea in my head and I wanted to see it come true.

It's actually funny too because a therapist once told me that I'm actually too optimistic about how capable people are. I once quoted Muhammad Ali, and how champions are just people who worked hard essentially. Anyway, she came back a session or two later disagreeing and stating people have ceilings of their abilities. Liberal areas, highly educated (Univ. of Michigan grad), etc. Apparently I expect too much from people.

Fine. Whatever. I'll keep busting my ass off despite having a stroke and all sorts of shit. I'll continue to be a genius programmer even though I'm probably lucky to wipe my ass because whenever people told me to work harder I did it entirely out of spite. But eventually that spite is gonna die out. What happens then? I won't be motivated by happiness because there is none anymore. I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. Maybe as a teenager when I'd go to a local church and skateboard in their parking lot. The stairs were sketchy, the handrail was basically a plumbing pipe and really high, etc. You needed Jesus to skate that spot, and so it was perfect. It got me away from people.

It got me away from their bullshit.
IT got me away from their continuously shifted goalposts.
It got me away from what they thought I should do with my life.
It got me away from what they expected for me.

It was me. My skateboard, and if you're religious Jesus. I'd say "The creator" because I'm NDN and it'd be fairly consistent with our beliefs. Especially since awesome powwow music is meant to get the creator to come celebrate with us.

But what happens when the spite dies?
When the happiness was just a mirage like an oasis in the desert?
When despite having to learn how to walk on my own after a bad accident, several other times I faced death due to shit I couldn't control, and overcame shit most people in society simply don't like getting my GED and Bachelors.

Suicide.

Because you couldn't keep expectations grounded. Because you couldn't be grounded. Because reality sometimes is harsh and you thought you were doing someone a favor by lying to them about the harsh reality of their life. Because you had an army of karma and clout chasing white knights following you around like lost puppies defending your every point like a medieval army defending a king's honor.

What is it gonna get you in the end though?
WHat are you getting from it?

I'll tell you: Nothing of value.

The moment you stop playing their game they'll come for you too, or just ignore you.
The moment you misstep badly enough that they can't overlook it anymore they won't.

Except you played the game just like them.
You harmed people just like them.
You blamed it on individuals when convenient just like them.

and if there is any justice you'll be treated just like them.

I have a project that likely won't go anywhere I need to get back to. It's gonna be a long road doing everything solo, but the hardest part is maintaining motivation. Especially when people are always full of shit and looking for a fight because they've got a mob that'll upvote their shit and mindlessly agree with them.

Fuck you I'm out

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anonymous Political February 22, 2026 at 4:04 am 1 0