I haven’t decided. I almost died from a natural gas leak. That would’ve been peaceful. I’ve had a stroke so anything that could cause another one would kill me fast. That’d be nice.

It’s not about how I’d want to go though, it’s about what would likely be the most successful. I think it’d need to be a multifaceted approach such as overdosing acetaminophen with alcohol and slitting a major artery or vein. That way ideally too much would be fucked up for them to “save you.”

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anonymous 8 hours ago

Also need a good spot so they can’t respond quickly because they fetishize your terror and your pain. Gotta make it as hard as possible for then to save you imo.

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anonymous 8 hours ago

Besides I’m fubar. My mind is a mess and the fantasy scenario its created that I’d never tell anyone has made death more attractive than this shitty, painful life. My cat is the only reason I’m here. He’s so nice and kind. Never met a cat like him. Certainly no person like him.

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anonymous 8 hours ago

But honestly even if I finally slept for more than 30 minutes without night mares or terrors or emotional or psychological pain. Those 31+ minutes would make the effort worthwhile. Death would be a far better experience at that point than life even if death is nothing.

I’ve been hospitalized a few times for my illness.

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MENSA Anon 8 hours ago

My clinical ptsd is making it impossible to get the outside help I need to dispel that fantasy my mind has created, and I can’t prove or disprove it reasonably. I’ve chipped away at some of it while staying off a pharmaceutical cocktail and out of the looney bin, but if I don’t kill myself I’ll likely end up in a padded room.

Idk when I will, but I probably will sooner than later. I do a lot of stuff that would kill me if I’d just sleep it off. Someday soon I probably will cause nothing will be worth it anymore. Fantasy, people, endless struggle, life. Give me peace. Give me death.

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MENSA Anon 7 hours ago

My clinical ptsd is making it impossible to get the outside help I need to dispel that fantasy my mind has created, and I can’t prove or disprove it reasonably. I’ve chipped away at some of it while staying off a pharmaceutical cocktail and out of the looney bin, but if I don’t kill myself I’ll likely end up in a padded room.

Idk when I will, but I probably will sooner than later. I do a lot of stuff that would kill me if I’d just sleep it off. Someday soon I probably will cause nothing will be worth it anymore. Fantasy, people, endless struggle, life. Give me peace. Give me death.

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MENSA Anon 7 hours ago

As they showed when I was college and ignored my 911 call on myself, boy followed up when my uni called so they could pretend they cared while triggering my ptsd: the truth doesn’t matter. It took a cop with a body camera and my call logs to prove they were trying to get rid of me with plausible deniability.

As Russell Means pointed out in a 1989 statement to congress its the modus operandi of the US government to rid us all. Of everyone. That’s why we suffer so much no matter how hard we work and we’re told to work harder. It’s never enough.


My mind has likely created this fantasy I keep coming back to unable to fully disprove likely partially to make my journey through life worthwhile because going on SSDI and being stuck in a padded room is pretty anticlimactic given how far I’ve come academically and otherwise. I suppose it’s best to give the civilized Europeans what they want though, and stop fighting like so many of my ancestors did before me. Accept my place until death finally frees me.

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MENSA Anon 7 hours ago

And I wish people could be trusted. I know I’m not shit. I’ve had coworkers in factories cry because of how little I think of myself after all that I’ve overcome. How smart they say I am. How I deserve better.

But they don’t know what my brain tells me either because they’d either try to lock me up, tell me what I want to hear (it’s all fantasy), or just be afraid of telling me no while telling others I’m insane. For various reasons outside help online is no better.

And so my mind sees patterns that are clearly there, but possibly misinterprets them. “Causation is not correlarion” is great in Reddit discussions and stats class, but real life is rarely so clean.

It’d be easiest to just die, I slipped on some black ice trying to deliver for Uber Eats and it basically rendered an arm of mine useless. The one job I can do due to very little interaction I can no longer pull off.

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anonymous 7 hours ago