Should i stop?

i just don't know why i'm feeling mix emotions, like i wanna talk to people but i feel down when they don't listen. Since i was little i was alone in my house since mom had to go to work my, i don't have a dad, my brothers have to go to school, my mom cant enroll me to daycare since its so expensive and were poor, so she decided to put me on pending. When i turned 6 or like 7 i got to go to my province since my mom enrolled me there, it was private school, and my age was like for grade 1 but i was enrolled late to kinder. I never knew anything, i was some how bullied, but even though i survived. My family often doesn't really hang out a lot when i was a kid, but when my step grandfather an American came to our life he made it better, we were having our life's so great, but when he died due to covid, our life literally fell, i realized money really is important, but also harmful. My family started having conflict because of money, they started having debts, it was like watching a kingdom wherein people fought each other, betray each other, talk behind each other, and most of all yell at each other when their king died. I tried understanding each one of them, tried to hide what i saw and chose to keep silent. But when i turned 13 i finally have the courage to stand up for my self, slowly i told mom that i almost got raped by my step brother, then slowly i talk to teachers, let my feelings out. But i feel something wasn't letting me breath freshly. I want to be organize but i also am lazy and somehow overthinker, i got depressed but i never acted it out, i always say im fine cuz i feel like they'll just tell me im so dramatic like how my grandma always say to me, i don't want to burden anyone cuz i feel like i do, i tried ranting to my friends but i just fake like i understood their advice, im always my friends therapist but never found a therapist for my self, im not ok am i? i feel like i want to commit and just let them be left cuz even though im a daughter of my mom i never feel it when my mom got a new kids, i feel like being in the center wasn't always given attention. I admit im a clout chaser to others, thats because i wanna see if someone still see me differently; but now i feel like a ghost or stranger to my whole family, but still i tried my best being a big sister to my step baby siblings. I just don't know if i can do it anymore.

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Meris Other April 12, 2026 at 1:13 am 0 0