I miss you

I just need to get this out somewhere. My youngest brother took his life March 18th, and God I miss him. I am devastated at this, and just wish it never happened. I am not mad at him, and heck, I even understand him. I had a plan to do it to myself the week prior of him doing it. I had it planned out, but I couldn't because I can't obtain a weapon of my choice that easily. But he did... and in the same exact way I had planned to do it myself.... and I wish it didn't work out for him because if anything, life needs him more than it needs me. The only thing I wish is that he's at peace. I'm so tired of the weight of the world. The way things are, and if they weren't, I probably would have a healthy, happy younger brother still here, but this time striving for things that he can obtain without a rat race. My brain is jumbled and words don't form well right now. I just miss him immensely. I love him, and just hope he's at peace. Just don't really have anywhere to put grief in right now. I can't really talk to anyone and I don't even know what to say, other than to feel the ache of thinking about how he felt, and how I wish it never happened, especially to him, someone who I saw as so incredible, kind, and unique. I don't like how the world just continues to turn and go on, and I can't seem to keep up with it, and now I definitely can't seem to care to keep up with it.
I got to say goodbye to his body, his face covered, and give him a note for his cremation. Just holding his purple hand, wishing warmth could go back into it, and knowing he's not there. It put sadness but also hope in me. I know he doesn't have to face this world anymore, but the unknown will tear me up until I face it later myself. I just have hope when I face it myself I can give him a big hug again. I miss him.

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anonymous Other April 09, 2026 at 3:18 pm 2 0