i hate being perceived

what is it with me and being perceived? my anxiety has gotten so worse over the last year that I can barely stand it when anyone looks at me without me knowing them personally. i just had a well check at the doctors and all I could think was "stop looking at me. stop looking at me. please stop looking at me. you're staring at me, stop it." I know this sounds very very stupid, I know. but it's so hard.

I'm constantly worried about school or my future, or this job interview. like, were humans even built for this? and my doctor wants me to see a therapist for my anxiety, motor tics, and trauma but that just means more time talking to someone about things I don't want to talk about in the first place.

everytime I speak, I regret what I've said. everytime a stranger glances at me, I want to shrink down and not exist. i feel bad even asking my parents to send me to a therapist because of finical troubles. what does it matter if I suffer when people are suffering all over the world? i don't matter compared to the world's population. i could never tell this to anyone.
sometimes I just wish I could disappear and then I wouldn't have to deal with
emotions
relationships
money
politics
bigots
illness
the past
and every other fucking thing

I'm just so tired.

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piper Body March 26, 2021 at 12:07 pm 0 0