Weed history

I had my first experience with weed in college. I met someone from a frat house and smoked with them. The high was intense and I actually greened out. Despite this, I got with the frat guy and continued smoking.
My freshman year was incredibly hard and I debated suicide. I had the letters written out, but then I got scared and ripped them up before flushing them down the toilet and feeling ashamed that I'd do that to my family.
Rather than death, I did copious amounts of LARGE dabs or weed carts and I watched trailer park boys (genuinely probably killed TONS of braincells w this) and lived with my partner in the frat (I know this is scummy behavior, I accept that and wouldn't do it again, but I wasn't fully present mentally and that's why I made that choice).
Anyways, I kept coping with my anxiety with weed, to the point where I was stopping panic attacks with it (my partner also used weed to calm me, but I don't blame them bc they didn't know what tf to do). Now I'm at a point 2 years from then. I broke up with that partner because of other stuff, and I moved out with a roomate. This roomate also smoked, so my usage remained high. Then that roomate dropped out to do a different path of work, and I was alone in the house. Still smoking. Now it's been 4 years and I'm still fucking smoking daily. I've had BRIEF periods where I only smoke on weekends, but it creeps back into the weekdays. Currently I'm smoking every fucking day without fail. It's honestly pathetic. It's obviously not good for my heart or social life, but I do it anyways?? There's a sense of cognitive dissonance there, but I know it's bad for me. Do I just not care? I do care though, so I don't know where the disconnect is. I smoke weed to feel good because that's how I've set up my system. Now I have to dismantle that system that had YEARS to strengthen. I'm going to try and only smoke on weekends starting today. Which sucks because I was REALLY looking forward to getting high after class to wind down (I'm on campus for over 8 hours today). I'll have to work on homework and do art or play with my cat sober. It may be uncomfortable a first, but I read somewhere that so is working out your muscles. They're sore and uncomfortable, but you still feel good about that pain because of what it symbolizes. I just need to keep that in mind. The shit feeling means progress. I should be proud that I'm letting myself feel like this instead of running back to my cave

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Stoner? More like stop her Body April 02, 2026 at 12:38 pm 0 0