Too much or too little

Ive always repressed my feelings to about everyone. I dont know if its because of trauma of my parents fighting or of it was because my mom had a cancer when i was young and i was afraid of her dying or maybe it was both. When i started 2nd-3rd grade was the start of my depression, i used to take silca gel packets and tell ppl that i would eat it to kms, and i used to also pray to god asking him to just kill me. Idk if this makes me crazy but i feel like if i told anyone they would say i need professional help. Ive grown up with an emotionally unstable father whos likely bipolar and is rarely engaged in our life he was raised differently as he had been born in Nicaragua which was a heavily communist state at the moment he left and had to face ice in California then came to where i live now. His past has obviously impacted his way of living but i wish he didnt blame everything on us. The second i try to do something with my family nobody cares or wants to. Im constantly the odd one out and throughout the years my axiety and depression has just gotten worse. This past school year was the worst one yet i felt so confused snd constantly beat myself up for everything, i kept trying and doing my best but it was never enough and i even got punished by my teachers for it. I worked so hard in band only to get barely any recognition. I worked social media, 6 different chats, constantly checked up on events, constantly told ppl advice and information yet nobody cared and it all felt like a waste of my efforts. I wanted to kill myself so much that year. Everyone said "It was such a fun year!" It was HELL to me i couldn't comprehend in certain subjects, i had loads and loads of work, and everytime i was focused ppl would just keep on bothering me but then they would do better than me. I ended up doing great on exams but it felt like such a punch in the face cause i cried and cried and wanted to die over everything i couldnt do. It made me even more upset. I wish i wasnt an odd one out. Im constantly left out and never have anything to do. Then when i do want to do something all of a sudden everyone has something else to do. It makes me feel so weak and dumb. I'm smart but not smart enough, I'm nice but once i get upset nobody cares. Ive literally told my friends i was tired and they brushed it off and just wnated to play games and vc. Do you now how agonizing it is especially to hear that ppl have been comforted by ppl in their friend group and your not. What makes it even worse is MOST OF THE DAMN TIME IM COMFORTING THEM. Its not fucking fair i try so hard but no ones gives a shit. What sucks even more is i don't have the balls to even kill myself. I want to but i know it would kill my mom. If I cant even put a knife to my skin how could i even stab myself with it? Im so lost and confused. I dont know what to do anymore. Life has gone so downhill and im still so young. Im not even an adult yet. The world is so twosted now, and i fear for my safety as a young woman. If you read this I hope you realize how hard it is to be depressed but a wimp. I want to be free so bad. So bad. I love you dont kys pls you can still live just like i am.

---

Rose Relationships July 10, 2025 at 3:17 am 0 1