Stupid dumb teenager

A certain event changed my life forever. My mother was never a patient woman but now she has no room for anything.
Shes strict in an insufferable way. Especially if she THINKS she KNOWS ANYTHING EVER. For example, for graduation i had an idea. It was my idea, it was simple, just words, because i felt that was important. She turned it around on me. She stands in front of me with my cap in hand and demands to know what im doing and why. "Dont you want to do this, this, this, or that?" Or "what do you mean?"
For context, it was a bible verse i was going to write in bleach on my cap. She couldnt understand. She kept coming up with all these alternatives that just changed it completely. This went on for a while. A while of me ignoring her and doing what i wanted when i wanted to. One day, she had enough. I told her again, "i know what im doing"
She had my cap in her hand that time to. She threw it on the ground and said whatever. I picked it up, and i was pissed. Im not a younger teenager anymore that has to take her shit. No little side comments, backhanded 'critique' or whatever the hell this was. I scoffed and asked why she even threw it. She proceeded to tell me she knew exactly how i think, and what i know. "You know why youre doing it?" Her eyes bulged out of her head and she fixed me with that bum ass mom look before she 'finished' " youre doing it because god forbid you be like ANYBODY else. No god forbid *insert name* tries to do anything.* it was so hurtful. I just left. Later she came in my room and was like "i dont understand why youre upset, is it me?" All softly or something like she cares. She later sent me videos about dealing with repressed anger. She does things like this often. Im old enough to understand what it means now. Originally i believed i was a burden. Shed tell me she doesnt understand why she cant even talk to her kids. "Im a person too."
It doesnt make sense.
I do NOT understand. I vent to my friends and they worry, "your mother has your best interest at heart" but how can she. She constanly picks at my weight, comments about my acne, about my style of clothing, about whay im interested in. "Those jeans make you look so big how do you wear those? You have a lot of talent, if you would just get out of that anime stuff-, whats wrong with trying and looking like a lady?" Its constant. One time i was being goofy and took a picture with my hair flipped up, made me look like a boy and i showed her laughing. She was unamused and told me i was just trying to look like a boy. She treats me like im so woke far left winged fucking homo or something and im just like my generation. If i have to hear another fucking generation lecture im going to explode.
I have a lot of unesolved issues as well, i break down sometimes or i just dont know what to do and she takes advantage of it. "You just want to be upset and negative all the time, this generation is SO sensitive, man, back in my day-" blah blah blah blah. She doesnt even see me as a person. I cant even like a guy without her telling me im not ready, or fucking anything. It drives me insane sometimes and i genuinely imagine what it would be like for her to be different. I see these mothers on tv, single mothers, and theyre loving and patient and kind, everything is from the heart no matter how difficult. Its a fantasy but i want it. My elder brother got emancipated because he was done with it, and im watching my younger siblings grow up kind of neglected in its entirety. She wont even clean the house anymore. She gets mad at our filthy rooms but theyre cleaner than hers. I am not used to expressing such an anger but i think im right this time. She doesnt listen to anything i have to say. No opinions, and she'll just twist it. I cant even show proper emotions. I feel awkward about getting excited, being loving, being vulnerable or expressing how i feel, which is something she constantly wants and encourages but i dont feel love anymore, If anything im just a burden.
Though i imagine her reading any of this and she would get angry, sad, confused, all the works. Because in her mind she does love me, and as a single mother who has gone through absolutely unimaginable things, she might even feel betrayed if she were to see how i really felt. I would say she doesnt deserve it because of her staying despite everything. Her mental health is deteriorating rapidly, shes bipolor, going through this weird menopause, and sometimes she just doesnt bathe, i never see her eat, she never leaves the house. Shes just as miserable as i am. I guess desite how angry and hateful i feel whenever she treats me like im just some annoying brat, i think theres a side im not seeing. A side thats blocked because im too immature to see it. My mother is a broken woman. She wasnt repeating the cycle, we as a family are breaking the cycle of our history but she just stopped.
I dont believe in what random people, or anybody really has to say, but i do need to know is there something im just ot doing right. Am i really making my mothers life miserable?

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Sparkles Home June 27, 2026 at 3:27 pm 0 2