overwhelmed with it all

i feel so overwhelmed. i also feel that im not doing enough to deserve to feel overwhelmed. my first masters application got rejected and soon after, i also received a rejection mail for an apprenticeship that i had applied for last year. im not sure i like my current job. i get by. i work from home. i don't have people i can hangout with. im 24, and im not "living life" like im supposed to be. i don't get chances for work outings because this is a small company and they don't do those, i don't go to hangouts with friends because they are all in other cities. i go on walks and movies by myself and don't get me wrong, i do enjoy those- but i have been feeling lonelier. im staying online more often in the hopes to catch few of my online friends when they are available but the increased screen time has not been doing me any good either. i think my performance in work is also dipping because im distracted all the time. my heart isn't in the work at all, and i just procrastinate and scroll to feel a little less emptier. im always too late- i have started talking to this group of people in a corner of the internet, but i can tell that they are already settled in and comfortable with themselves. im just an outsider, i won't ever be one of them or be part of their inside jokes. i don't think any of my other masters applications are going to get accepted either. i don't have anything that stands out. the competition is bad. there's ai everywhere. i have nothing. i am no one. i have been passively suicidal for a long time now, and i just feel frustrated that even now, it's just passive and i don't want to do anything about it. no, im content with just suffering apparently. it's too early to lose hope, blah blah blah. i have tried it all- therapy, medication, meditation, stepping out, going on walks- but what's the point of any of it if i can't get a break from myself? wherever i go, im taking me with me. i cant separate myself from my mind. if i feel rotten no matter what i do, what is left for me to do here? im privileged, i recognize that. i dont belong to a place that is fighting a war or has social unrest. im luckier than those people. somedays, i really can't tell why they don't get to have hopes and dreams while i just sit here and be useless for any and all opportunities that come my way.

im tired, i feel trapped, i feel suffocated, and everyday that i spend inside this house makes me feel worse. i step out, but i end up coming back to the same place. i don't know what to do.

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doesitmatter Other April 21, 2026 at 4:50 am 0 0