My life fucking SUCKS sos

There is so much fucking SHIT going on in my life that ill need to section these little pieces out for it to make any sense. get ready guys because when i start talking i wont shut up

Lets start with me, as a person and overall ME.
Okay so ill be honest i havent been in the greatest mindset for a long LONG time now, I have depression that actively makes my life harder and some small for of social anxiety, though thats probably normal for people my age any way-- talking about age, I am turning 15 this year. Im one of those weird people who want to make friends and have fun, but almost never spend any real time with them (due to depression and i sometimes feel like id rather be alone even though i am a very social person). I often make promises and just simply wont be able to keep them, even just small things like planning to play games with friends, ONLINE, not needing to meet up, just to get on pc in time to hang out with friends on call. I would say that I have a big EGO and i often pick my own opinion over others, though if im with a group of people like my friends i push my own needs aside and pick what would be fair on THEIR behalf, not my own, but what would be fair for them, even if im radical in making choices of my own i often find myself not being capable of even picking the chair ill sit in if there are multiple options. My own actions and opinions depend DEEPLY on the people around me, the deeper it goes the more I like the people/person. I would call myself Two faced, not in a way of "Jeez why do I hang out with those fugly morons? I mean they look like pigs"-- i mean it as if my own personality roots to the relationships i have with people around me, up to the point where my FAVORITE COLOUR literally depends who im hanging around. (Also im not a native english speaker so pardon me for my bad english skills.)

Okay now that we got my part over we must start getting to know what the absolute hell is going on in my life at this current moment. Okay so back about 4 YEARS ago my school started slipping and i started skipping whole days off of school, not classes, days. (keep in mind i was about 10-11 at the time). Around these times I had a pretty good friend group IRL and on the media, though since i got pretty active on the internet after getting my first laptop i discovered the "absolutely horrible" thing called porn. and OOH BOY was I ADDICTED. I wont go into more detail about that but at the time I then began staying up all night on weekdays, skipping meals so i wouldnt be so fat (spoiler, i wasnt fat), and overall my mental and physical health started getting BAD, not that anyone noticed, but I sure as hell did.

Not that long after my (at the time) BSF that we'll call El started dating the ABSOLUTE JOKE of the class, the classic ADHD kid (no hate to people who hate ADHD, just THIS person, fuck him) with no ability to give anyone privacy or read the damn room, we'll call that SHIT BOY Ax. Of course since El was dating Ax I supported her but told her to be wary of how... that boy could perhaps use her and stuff, at the time...no- most of the time I was and always have been a bit more educated that my friends, maybe even to the point where i was mentally older than any of them, almost acting like a mother figure instead of a friend. it began obvious that Ax was rather... really fucking unattractive in all the ways humanly possible, this guy would like shit his fucking pants in call with 0 remorse, talk about women like they were objects, literally make sex jokes all over the day and he wouldnt stop trying to talk to ME. Now i was known as the girl who would always be polite, didnt swear and most of all had a hard time saying no. dont get me wrong i wasnt scared, i actually often spoke up my mind when someone wronged me, just not in their face, to someone that would actually get them in real trouble, i was in for the long run. Well Ax being the moron he was kept trying to chat with me like- every FUCKING day, we didnt even have a singular thing in common, I tried to politely shut him off and end the convos with simply not continuing them, only replying with simple "mh" "k" "yep", like dude READ THE ROOM.

The worst fucking part comes here, i was hanging with El after school around the town because thats what bsfs do, well guess who FUCKING was there, thats right, Ax. Well time went on and Ax and El ended up going behind a bush or something fucking boring like that, and after a short moment El came back and guess what. THEY KISSED. she had her first kiss with that FUCKING SHITTY BRAT. Later I found out that at the times of Ax being at Els house Ax would make suggestive comments, try to lift up her shirt or straight up TOUCH HER BOOBS. WE WERE LIKE 12. Im not sure what was the timelines of those things but DUDE- DONT DO THAT?

Later, i actually remember this day pretty well, we had an arts class, the last class of the whole day, and i was going to the bathrooms(we didnt have like a whole room with stalls and stuff, just singular small rooms w toilets and stuff, dont know what theyre called) to wash the paint off of my hands and clean up the brushes, well as i was doing it Ax fucking left the class, came IN to the stall with me, closed the door AND the lights, and grabbed my thighs from behind and did the most un-sexy thrusts ive ever fucking seen, i didnt even know someone could be so fucking bad, even a fucking dead rat would do a better job. Well thankfully he didnt grab my clothes or anything and i rushed THE FUCK OUT, the rest of the day kinda blurs from there, but i just walked home as i always do, im not sure if i was in a call with someone or walked home with someone, since i used to do that a lot back then, but my mom was out of the front door in a rush, we left my bag home and went back to the school as soon as we could by feet (We dont own a car). When we were there i had to explain it to the teacher, i dont really recall anything else from that day except how he touched me in the bathroom with the lights out, which is weird because when u usually get traumatized it goes the other way around and ur brain blocks out the bad memories, not make it into a core memory. The cops werent called, we had a short private talk the next day at school, my teacher, Ax and me in it, he was sobbing his eyes out. fucking baby. And all he had to say for himself between the "sorry"s and sobs was "You were giggling so I thought you liked it" PARDON? I do NOT recall chuckling as you were trying to TOUCH ME? and even if i was that does NOT mean i consent. besides for some people giggle can be a stress/shock reaction, like when someone says "Im pregnant at 16 but hey... its my crushes!" like- WHAT the FUCK do you reply to that??

Later I told El, my (now closest) friend who we'll call Vee and another girl who isint relevant to most of my life anymore. El and Ax had been doing the break up, get back tgt, break up again and start dating yet again, for a while and honest i have no memory of how she or anyone else reacted. All i remember is roasting the shit out of him with my girls.

My mental health started going worse and worse to the point i was totally depressed, undiagnosed, and feeling unloved even though my mother always showed me her love in any way she could. (in contrast to this my father has told me ONCE, and i mean A SINGULAR TIME my whole LIFE that hes loved me, and that took me to cry in his arms and say it first, and even them it didnt sound honest.) so i was and always have been pretty close with my mother. Thankfully my porn addiction started getting better because if no1 was going to notice i needed help, i would just need to help myself. but even as i got over it guess what i got...!! Trichotillomania! AKA the so called hair pulling disorder! I would pull my lashes, my eyebrows and any fucking body hair i got my hands on (well not my actual hair but you get the point), and i STILL FUCKING DO, i have NOT gotten over it. but hey..:! atleast ive done my research about it; it may be a way of dealing with negative or uncomfortable feelings, such as stress, anxiety, tension, boredom, loneliness, extreme tiredness or frustration, and guess what, it usually develops between the ages of 10 and 13, thats literally me dude <3

When 7th grade came and the students in each class were mixed i had the relieving thought that i wouldnt need to be in contact again with Ax, atleast not DAILY. but guess fucking what. I GOT IN THE SAME CLASS AS AX. me and El were put to different classes but atleast I wasnt fully alone since Vee was also in my class, but that was literally it, I was in the same class with Ax who tried to molest me, my ex who was spinning 3 girls and i was one of them, some girl bullies that didnt exactly bully anyone, they were just rather rude and after drama, and yes the boys were AWFUL to be around. but hey... atleast I had A SINGLE FRIEND IN MY CLASS. Vee has always been the most introverted person ive know since i met her, which has never been an issue since i never found it hard to make new friends, EXCEPT these partners stink of POO /reference. but seriously i didnt get along with ANY of them, i tried to be my normal energic social self but i physically nor mentally COULD. And since about 5th grade i had been skipping school days over and over again i was barely at school anymore, days turned into weeks and weeks turned to almost into months of not being in school i felt anxious and afraid every time i was there, afraid people might ask where i was when i didnt have a reason the be away, afraid that ill need to rush some tests i obviously hadnt studied for, and most of all afraid that my dad would get to know just how much ive been skipping and scold me. My mom also felt bad and she tried to command me, but with her soft heart i knew i could get under her skin and i used that, i started pretending, i started pretending to vomit before school, to stay up nights just so i was too tired for school, to make up lies why i didnt eat, and most of all fake panic attacks, i got good at it, too good.

im not sure when but it wasnt too long ago when i was faking a mental breakdown, my grandparents were there at our house, inside. because my mother couldnt bring herself to force me to school, but she knew i had to go, so she called her parents, as if they could help. before i knew it i was staring out of my grandparents car window, the world seemed so grey, yet so peaceful, i kinda do miss the feeling. They were taking me to the nearby city, to a mental hospital, since thats all they knew they could do, not talk to me, not ask whats wrong, not get a therapist, straight to the mental hospital like they had done to my mom when she was my age and didnt go to school. my mom would softly ask me if i thought this was the right thing to do and i told her no, that they wouldnt be able to help me, and that there were other ways, that this wasnt right, but that i didnt care what she chose to do, because at the moment i really didnt. when we got there my mom couldnt say it out loud, to ask them to put me into a mental hospital, she simply couldnt, besides, they wouldnt have taken me in anyway, i know that for a fact because my grandmother tried and they just came to them and said there was nothing wrong with me.

7th grade. i fully stopped going. i was maybe about 10 times in school the whole year, the whole fucking year, ten times. my father found out at some point and lashed out, he tried to pull me, to force me, to just put those damn shoes on, i actually audio recorded it, i sometimes listen at it, i was so good, so fucking good at pretending, at crying and sobbing, its insane. at some point the social workers were called by the school since i had been over 150hrs absent.

The social worker thing is way too fucking long but they were in our lives, doing literally nothing and now they took both me and my mom away from home, into some care place 30km away from where we live, 30km from all my friends that i still have. all this place has done is made me hate myself and want to end it all if you get what im putting on the table. im here more miserable than ever. i asked what the reasons of me being here were and they said that i needed to become more independent, to see if my mother is capable of taking care of me and for me to go to school. the school part is bullshit because a couple MONTHS ago my mother put me into homeschool, she bought me books and ive never been happier in my life- i mean i HADNT been happier because they took me AND my mother here, forcing me to distance myself from my friends and literally everyone. they also said that they dont want me to get isolated from other people, even though they literally isolated me from my remaining friends who USED TO live a WALKING DISTANCE away from me, and my fucking BOYFRIEND who lived almost NEXTDOOR. fuck my stupid chungus life. okay sorry that this was pretty much just tlakng about my past but im way too tired to keep yapping abt shit but i really hate it here, i feel like i might commit, my life was just starting to look brighter yada yada. i dont remember when i was ever this depressed. i left many things out like how Vee is pretty toxic, she has catfished many ppl and pulled me into it making me uncomfortable. El got cancer and i havent had the damn energy to even even check up on her, she did beat it but she wouldve needed my help and support but i wasnt there for her. i havent had the enrgy to even talk to my friends due to my depression. my depression was diagnosed in like the end of 2025. I feel like i cant trust anyone and i might be going into pshychosis or however u spell it, all over again because im starting to think everyone wants the worst for me, no1 is trustworthy, they all have negative thoughts about me and no1 is showing their true colours, not even my mom. also my dad isint here w us because... they dont fucking know who he is because his name was never mentioned in my birth certificate and they think hes kinda absent lol (hes not, fuck him). ive changed really much over the years and im at a low point mentally, please help me.

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anonymous School January 15, 2026 at 1:16 pm 0 0