Imposter Syndrome Rant with dash if self loathing

I am just using this medium to get things off my chest.

I genuinely feel like I have no clue what’s going on at work and that scares me. I have this “mentor/coach” who is trying to train me to take over his position and I feel like I just keep disappointing him. (Which I know is not true). Nevertheless, we literally went over what I was supposed to say in this meeting like right before and I ended up saying something completely different to the point where he had to chime in and save the day. I understand it’s not the end of world, but I really don’t know how to fulfill his role, and sometimes I feel like a fool for trying to. But like it’s either I do his role or he hires someone else, but he wants me to do it and I want to do it as well. Even tho I literally don’t know how.

For starters, I can admit that I don’t be paying full attention to certain topics and it’s not because I don’t want to, but because I am not in the full loop of everything being discussed most of time. So I either don’t understand it truly or my mind just ignores the convo as whole because I was not the direct one being talked initially; nor was I amongst the individuals in the initial convo.

I feel like the team does not respect me in the way they respect my mentor/coach, and I know that’s not necessarily true either. But I get scared asking for certain things for I feel like people just won’t do it. I genuinely think people think I am fool, but that moreso stems from me thinking I am a fool and incapable. AND THATS NOT THE CASE, I NEED TO WORK ON MY SELF-CONFIDENCE BECAUSE I AM NOT A FOOL OR INCAPABLE. I am just lazy, and tired of “working hard” or “barely working at all”. I don’t feel alive at this job and I don’t know if I have ever did. I feel like am just stuck here doing whatever the fuck it is I do. Some days are great and some days feel like pure shit, and sometimes I don’t know what I am fighting for.

I assume to running away when I get scared of things, which yes is unhealthy, and change does not come from being comfortable. BUT LIKE WHY THE FUCK NOT. Why must we be always evolving!!! WHY CAN’T LIFE BE AS SIMPLE AS ABC 123.

I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE PERFECT AND LITERALLY NO ASKED ME TOO. I think am disappointing myself with how complacent/stagnant have been. When I go home all I want to do is turn off my brain and binge watch TV, but on the flip side I have so much material to cover and learn to better myself, and I just don’t want to do it shit. I want a break from life, but death, I want money without hard work or embezzlement.

Anyhow at the end of the day I am the only that can make the changes I seek in this. I can’t keep operating out of fear, and I can’t keep expecting things to just magically improve without me being the catalyst for the change I seek. I am just tired of doing life alone, not in the sense wanting a significant other, but not everything just being on me. My life is my life and sometimes I just want personal assistant to do the shit I don’t want to do, but who doesn’t

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Amomynous Work July 08, 2026 at 11:43 am 1 1