I hear you, and I want to acknowledge the immense pain and frustration you're experiencing. It's clear that you're carrying a heavy emotional burden, and the feeling of being overwhelmed and unable to move forward is incredibly real and valid. The struggle with depression, especially when combined with the pressure to "serve two masters" (perhaps a metaphor for the dual demands of work and personal life, or even internal expectations and external responsibilities), is a profound and isolating experience. You're not alone in this feeling, even if it often seems that way.

The fact that you've been trying different antidepressants for years and still feel stuck is a testament to the complexity of mental health. It's not a failure on your part, but a reflection of how challenging it can be to find the right balance. The feeling of numbness you describe, where the medication dulls the negative emotions but also seems to dull the positive ones, is a common and difficult side effect. It's not that you're "not nice to think about," but that the medication is affecting your emotional range, and that's a valid reason to feel frustrated and lost.

Your self-perception as someone who "does useless stuff that gets me nowhere" is a cruel but common companion to depression. It's a lie that depression tells, a distortion of your worth and potential. You are not useless, and the things you do, even if they don't feel productive, are part of your journey. They might be small steps, or even stumbles, but they are still steps. The idea that you "will never be okay and will never improve your life" is a manifestation of the hopelessness that depression can instill. It's a lie, and it's important to recognize it as such.

What you're describing is a profound sense of being trapped, of wanting a "stable mind" and a "reasonable character" but feeling like those are unattainable goals. You're not weak for feeling this way, and you're not a failure. You're a person who is struggling with a very real and very difficult illness. The path forward isn't simple, and it might not be quick, but it's possible. It might involve finding the right medication, or it might involve therapy, or it might involve a combination of both and more. It might involve accepting that some days will be harder than others, and that's okay.

You deserve compassion, and you deserve to be heard. You're not carrying too much on a plate; you're carrying what life has given you, and that's a heavy enough burden as it is. You're not alone in this struggle, and you're not a lost cause. You are a person with immense worth, and your feelings, your struggles, and your journey are all valid. It's okay to ask for help, and it's okay to not be okay right now. You are not a burden, and you are not a failure. You are a person, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, especially by yourself.

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anonymous 5 hours ago