I think my childhood sucked

As a child I wanted to do childish things
That isn't something anyone would view as strange

My father viewed me as grown up from what I could tell
Any mistake and he got angry
He didn't hit me
Or yell
But I could tell by the way he spoke

Once in kindergarten I got angry at a girl because she was claiming something that wasn't true and started crying when I refused to say it was true
Because of this my teacher told me to move my block to yellow
That was the only time she ever did that

My father always checked my binder to see my behavior
That week I was scared he'd be angry
But he forgot that week

My father always said "I talk to you like an adult because I think you can handle it" or something similar I'm not quite sure but he'd also say "if you can't handle it I can always treat you your age is that what you want?"
I believe that was an attempt to toughen me (?)
Although I'm not sure but I know I didn't like the thought of being treated my age

I never had any friends my age
Especially when I was growing up
All of my friends were either way older than me or way younger than me
Part of me is glad that I'm so mature
Part of me wishes I didn't have to grow up so fast

I distinctly remember the day I learned about my parents divorce
Some one was at the dining room table (my mom?) and someone was in their bedroom (my dad?) and someone (the person at the table) said one thing and I went to ask the other (the person sitting on their bed) and so on

My father says thats not how it happened and I don't believe him
My father said he was sad and when I asked him why he told me we (me and my mom) were moving out
That part I believe
but he said my mom was outside (smoking?) and that he was at the table
That's not true
he might have been at the table but I don't remember anyone being outside
How would I have even gotten outside?
Did they let baby me sit next to them as they smoked outside? that defeats the purpose of smoking outside
Then he said my mom said to me "no honey we're just going to have two homes for a while."
I also believe that
I think his reasoning for telling me he said that was to pin me to against my mom as if what he said was the best option because he didn't lie to me
I WAS A SMALL CHILD
your relationship issues isn't anything I needed to worry about
I shouldn't have been worrying about if my parents hated each other I should have been worrying about if the next episode of yo gabba gabba was any good (it would have been no matter what I was like 5)

My father constantly acts like he doesn't try to pin me against my mom

He does.
All the time
Every story he tells about him and my mom, there's never anything wrong with his behavior
Maybe there wasn't
But he always trys to make my mother sound horrible
And I hate it
I want to yell at him for it
But everytime I'm at my limit he does something
Like actually have an emotion for once in his life
Or my stepmom will have to stop him from yelling at me as I'm sobbing uncontrollably and make a case for him that he's just bad with his emotions
He's an adult man.
Go to therapy.
B-but your his everything and he loves you very much

Ok

Thinking about that phrase
"but he loves you"
It hurts
no human wants to be hated
But I don't want his love
Why can't he just say he hates me and get it over with
Why does he have to act like he's a good dad
I feel like I have no real reason to hate him
He's not abusive
He doesn't ever really yell
He's said that to me before.

"You've never seen me really angry before
Very few people have I've only ever hit (spanked) you seriously how many times?"
"..."
"Answer me."
"...Like two or three..."
"Exactly."

I don't remember his exact words but he's said that multiple times
Not recently
I act too perfect for that
I say all the right things until I think I could maybe debate him on something trivial
for instance
"I love that character"
"If I guy acts that way he's only doing it to get you to like him"
"I don't think that's the character's intentions"
"It is. trust me I'd know"
"Ok.. I still like that character though"
I think there was more to that exchange but I'm not sure
The next day he got mad at me for not eating more of my food (I'm an extremely picky eater and he hates it)
causing him to call me wasteful
That hurt me.
My mother was never in the best financial state and wasting food because I'd rather starve than eat that particular dish makes me feel guilty

Once he fed me spicy ramen
He never told me it was going to be spicy until he put it in front of me
I have a very low spice tolerance
I CAN'T eat spicy food.
Not that I don't want to
I wish I could but I can't.
He said it wasn't that spicy and I try to eat it but I can't.
It literally hurts my mouth
He then gets mad at me stating that's his favorite ramen and that it's very hard to find
I didn't ask for his favorite ramen.
He asked if I wanted noodles I said yes.
It's as simple as that
He then asks if I want some lasagna
I say yes because I'm still hungry
He brings me almost a full plate and I eat half of it
Keep in mind I also ate grilled chicken that he gave me with the ramen
He then got more mad because I didn't even eat half of the lasagna
When I most definitely ate over half

He embarrasses my stepmom for laughs

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anonymous Home February 02, 2026 at 12:18 am 0 0