I'm tired

I still can’t believe I’m already in my senior year. It feels like just yesterday I was praying that I’d have good Grade 10 memories and that God would always be good to me on my first day of Grade 10. Back then, I was happy and content with my grades. But now, I don’t think I can accept myself knowing that I’ve been careless with them. I can already predict Mama’s lectures, saying, “Na kay naga-selphone ka na lang, wala ka na ga-tuon, kita na.”

It’s hard to live up to their expectations, knowing that sometimes I just can’t reach them. And yet, whenever I achieve high grades or make it to the honor list, seeing them proud of me—especially Mama—makes me so happy. Because honestly, having your family praise you is every student’s dream.

But sometimes, living with those expectations makes me feel depressed, devastated—maybe all of the above. I get jealous every time I see one of my classmates get higher grades than me. They’re smart, good-looking, confident… everything I wish I could be. And I start comparing myself to them, thinking they’re better while I’m just a nobody.

I hate so many things about myself. I hate that I’m not as smart as I wish I were. I hate that I’m not pretty—even when people call me “gwapa,” it hurts, because deep down I don’t believe it. And most of all, I hate that I can’t even accept who I really am.

I have so many thoughts in my head—things I can’t fully express, not even in writing, not even by saying them out loud. All I can admit is that I hate myself.

I know that accepting myself would help me grow, but that’s the hardest part. I’m too afraid to face the reality of who I am. Just being me makes me hate myself more. I want to change—not just so I can stop hating myself, but so maybe I can finally feel proud of the person I am becoming.

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M School September 03, 2025 at 11:02 am 1 0