I dislike my mother

She is my biological mother and I love her but not in the traditional sense
She's done me harm... I've felt her hit me under the water, she's thrown a 7 year old child in a dark room with the light switch outside after hitting her and then locked the door because even tho 7 years old can't control their bladders, I shouldn't have pissed myself as a guest when we were at a family gathering.. she's.. controlling to say the least, she dosent check my phone or anything but.. every friend, every belief, every action, every identity, anything new about me I questionied rapidly until I can't function properly anymore and I just scream and then I feel so guilty cuz I'm not supposed to scream at my mother, she raised me despite everything and in my culture abusing a child so their behaviour becomes good is normal but she could've at least tried to not go through the old rotten ways like her own parents, there were ways around it. I don't like my mom as a person, I love her as my mom but hate her as a person, her personality, habits and beliefs digust me, even as a 50 y.o woman, I could never see myself in the same environment as her, let alone be a friend of hers, but now I'm stuck her daughter, and I will die her daughter, she's better than most abusive families here but she could be better than to even be put in the "abusive" catalog, I don't need a picture perfect mom, I just need someone that doesn't question all of me until I spiral, I didn't ask for a mother that abused me and still emotionally abuses me so much that even when she's genuine and loving, just her voice pisses me off, sometimes when she sings, I want to scream "shut up" in her face. Sometimes I wanna slap her right across the face, then I see those down turned tired eyes and the guilt hits me again, I can't call cps cuz it dosent exist in my country, even if it did I wouldn't, but sometimes I wish I could say this to her face without engulfing any sadness or rage within her the same way she engulfes within me everytime we have ANY disagreement, sometimes just sitting beside her makes me feel like I'm breathing without lungs and other times it's only her hugs and the cups of tea she makes me that let me comforted through all that's running through my mind, just today I yelled at her twice and I also cried in her arms cuz I missed my dog, I've never felt sad of losing anyone or anything other than my dog(alive btw, had to give up for adoption), all my friends left and I didn't care but it terrifies me knowing if my mother was to one day leave me or this world, I'd grieve her, despite how much rage I have towards her presence, I knew we human are supoosed to be complex but all this is building up on me and it burns my heart

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Nini Home February 07, 2026 at 4:08 pm 0 1