Fuck family

I wish I was those special kind of autistic people that are nonverbal and get away with being an absolute douche, or I wish that my suicidal phase was worse then just the thoughts and lack of interest of everything and that I SH’d worse. Why? Because no one cares. And I’m selfish. My mum once told me that suicide is selfish because everyone around you will suffer. At the time I understood it but now I know it’s complete bullshit. Why do I have to wait to want to fucking die to hear everyone love me back? Why did she tell me my SH scars “weren’t that serious” and that “It was barely anything” and then apologise a day later saying she was desensitized around SH? I don’t like weaponizing my suicide ideations, autism or anxiety, I don’t even like saying it out loud. But everyone in this god forsaken family acts like their normal is the normal.

Everyone around me sucks. My one friend can’t socialize and has been homeschooled her whole life which wouldn’t be a problem if she didn’t have zero backbone, my online friends are just so out of it and secretive, my family are boundary pushing assholes who make me feel bad for not being firm with my boundaries and then making me feel bad when I am. My mum was complaining I don’t love her when I was trying to explain I’m going through a teenager phase where hugging my parents is awkward, and the fact I don’t like hugging that much. Suddenly I’m the asshole. When she takes away my safe space and forces me to do shit without warning that she knows stresses me out, when I get dis regulated and freak out she makes me feel bad for yelling even though she wasn’t listening, even when I’m sobbing and begging.

My sister is a snob who makes me feel bad for asking for literally anything or doing anything that isn’t being productive, she gets all the praise for being smart and helpful, she’s good at saving money, she works hard and she fucking stunning. My dad used to compare both me and my other sister to her all the time. And recently I discovered she used to purposefully bore me out while playing together when we were kids because she found me annoying. And in doing so I would leave. For a couple years I thought she hated me.

My eldest sister is so rude. She doesn’t understand anything about me and my emotions, she constantly shoves camera’s in my face and makes fun of me. I’ve learned to accept it and laugh along. She constantly judges me and my life and when she pairs up with my other sister I always find myself being left out and/or bullied. But I still love them both.

I think I’m going to desensitize myself to pain so I can kms.

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anonymous Home November 05, 2026 at 11:30 am 0 0