An Expression of Sentiments and Feelings

i feel kinda empty emotionally right now? idk why. i hate having depression...i just be going through my day, and then i suddenly feel lonely, hopeless and existentially terrified, over a lot of deep, complicated social fears that seemingly have no solution. i hate how i pose so many questions in life and yet have so few answers.
sometimes i wish i knew less, just so i wouldn't be cursed with the knowledge of how my existence is merely just...a vain loop of nothing, and how i have to hurt other people and benefit from the suffering of the many just so i myself can survive, all while being powerless to fix or truly change anything.
i also hate being closeted, pre-transition, and unable to do anything about my dysphoria. wasting away my teenage years living a fake "boy" life i never wanted, and by the time i can be myself, i'm already gonna be an adult with so many responsibilities and worries that i won't have any chance to enjoy myself, so i'll never be able to live an authentic, contentful life.
i look like a guy. i don't even look like myself :(
and my mom and sister know 100% that i'm trans, but they don't take it seriously or care.
even when i tell people how i identify, they don't see me as a woman. they just see me as a weird guy.
i feel trapped in a fake life and a fake self, and there's nothing i can do about it.
i'll never live real and authentically. i'll never be able to enjoy womanhood.

i often question my own mortality and standing in this world. i wonder how far i'll be able to make it in life and if i'll even get anywhere. i doubt i'll live very long. i'd genuinely be shocked if i made it past, say, age 27.

and also because i'm supposed to be doing well mentally and emotionally right now. i tried to kill myself in april 2026 and ended up in an expensive mental hospital, and these past few months i've actually been doing well mentally, so i don't want to lose that. i don't want to lose that bliss. why does my enthusiasm and contentment always have to fade and make way to the same old bitter hate and dissatisfaction as before? whenever i feel good for any amount of time, whenever i'm at an emotional high, it always feels like it's followed by a crushing low.
i genuinely don't know what purpose i pose to the world or why i am still here.
i feel existentially terrified for my future.
i have no idea what i want to do with my life after high school, but i don't want to end up a NEET. i need to be able to make some kind of income, just so i can actually afford essentials and survive in this capitalistic world, but no career choice sounds particularly appealing to me, and i'm disgusted by the idea of selling away my life and my wage-labor just so i can keep going a vain, repetitive existence. i get a feeling that my next mental breakdown or suicidal low is gonna manifest in a subdued, lowkey, hidden way, because i'm afraid to express my feelings anymore after all of the volatile, angry, destructive lows i have experienced before, and i don't want to put my parents in medical debt again or disappoint anyone. i should be doing perfectly well. i'm afraid to tell anyone close to me how i'm feeling.
and i hate not being able to explain the reasons behind everything or understand all of the theory behind why things happen, behind why pain still exists, behind why people hurt and maim for their own benefit, behind an unfair world that never changes no matter how hard people try, and not being able to fully explain my ideas.
and when i'm gone, what impact or importance will i have ever had to the world? will i just be forgotten and thrown away by everyone, just like how people have turned away and disregarded me so many times in life? what will i ever leave behind?

the future just seems so long and terrifies me with its uncertainty, and i don't even know if i'll make it that long. i can't seem to find the patience to wait all those decades to see what happens to me in the end.

am i still doing well mentally, or am i just regressing back to the same slumped-over fear of before? will i live stuck in this loop forever? will i forever be stuck in the pain and uncertainty of life forever? i can't take anything for granted anymore, but i wish i could. now, anything and everything feels like it could fall apart and is impossible to reconstruct at any second, no matter how well established or foundational it is. it'll just be lost and quickly buckle under pressure. i'm so scared by the fact that my life forever floats up in uncertainty and a slight, irritable stinging emotional pain and doubt that underscores it in the background
i'm just afraid the pain and doubt will never end. i've always struggled to face the fact that pain is an inevitable part of life, that human existence is imperfect and filled with pain.
i've made so many irreversible, terrible mistakes and done so many irrevocably terrible things, and i know that, if i ever reach any kind of success or get anywhere in life, these past happenings will come back to haunt me and taunt me with their having happened, and i'll be forced to live with the guilt and shame for the rest of my life. so many things that are my fault, so many character flaws in me, so many things that make me a terrible person.
i don't know, man...


july 12th, 2026

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Isabella Other July 12, 2026 at 3:26 pm 0 0