ROTTEN APPLE

I keep telling myself that I'm not angry about this. That I'm just disappointed and upset. I can't be truthful to myself or you, despite everything. But I am so tired of being the therapist friend, funneling all my time and energy into advice that just gets walked all over. I know why. I know you're afraid. But it still fucking hurts. What I say is always composed of the truth. Every word of advice I give is filled with my honest emotions. I really do love you and I don't want to see you suffer anymore. And you know that. So what's so good about her? Why do you keep going back? Again and again.
I've never told you this. But it hurt me, so so so fucking much when you first started to choose her over me. And we aren't even dating. I'm not even attracted to you. But I've known you for so much longer. I was here first. I have been with you through everything, thick and thin. And I continue to support you. Am I the idiot?
I love you so much because I haven't known a life without you. I care about you more than anyone else in my life. You're the only person in the whole world I hate to be mad at. You're the only one I find myself caring about like this. I try to tell myself otherwise. But I really do love you. I can't lose you. I'll lose myself.
But you're drifting away from me. For a girl you just can't stop loving. And for some reason, I can't fault you for any of it. I hate her, really. But I refuse to hate you. Even though you've hurt me over and over again. And I've endured it. I hate it when you cry.
Why are you doing this to yourself? I know why, but I can't help but question everything. Why? Why? Why? It's toxic, you're toxic, she's toxic. You need to get away from eachother. You need to stop. You need to let it go. You were a fucking asshole, you fucking sucked, you hurt her. Why would you say all that shit to her? You knew her so well and you used that all against her. And you know what you did. And you regret it all. And you hate yourself for it. And you apologized. So I can't be mad at you for some reason. And it's going to repeat. I know, you know, who doesn't fucking know? I'm starting to realize something about myself.
I have no one, even you. I can't be honest with you, even though I'll choose you over anyone else. I am a terrible person, I have hated everyone in my life, I have thought the worst about everyone, I have thought about ghosting you, I have considered multiple times to break it off. But I fucking don't. I am the best actor that no one knows. Because I am also an idiot of an empath. I keep telling myself I don't care about anyone, but that's a lie. My brain and heart speak two different languages. My heart keeps running back to everyone, to you.
I feel sick. I needed to get this out. I can't bottle this up anymore. I will never tell you how much you hurt me, because I love you. My hurt doesn't amount to anything that matters. I am rotting from within. Isn't it ironic that I hate your girlfriend or whatever she is, but Im the same way?

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anonymous Relationships June 24, 2026 at 7:32 am 0 1