Nowhere to get actual help

There's nowhere for me to get actual help so I'm on an anonymous site for venting at 12 AM.

I have never felt as ready to do serious damage to myself as I have the last two months.

First off, I couldn't save my mom. She was the most wonderful woman on earth and all I could do in the end was sit there and watch as she slipped away. It was not just her physical death, it was everything that died in her unexpressed. I wanted to help so much more. She wouldn't let me. Now she's gone.

Secondly, my girlfriend loves me but I know she isn't happy. We have both had horrible lives and nobody would be okay after what either of us has endured. The really terrible thing is we both have depression and we're trying desperately not to worsen each other's conditions, but masking and pretending we're okay is killing us both faster, and ruining the relationship because we're lying to ourselves and each other constantly.

Finally I'm just sick of my disability. Some people have it a lot worse, sure, but that doesn't erase the fact that every day is a nonstop struggle in a way that it is not for other people. It's isolating on top of everything else.

Today I got to a moment where I thought "you know if I beat the shit out of my own head hard enough, I'd die and nobody would have to deal with me anymore, nor I them." The only thing that meaningfully holds me back from trying that is the fact that I'm sure my mom wouldn't want that for me. I have to press on somehow.

---

anonymous Other December 30, 2025 at 3:29 am 0 0