I wish it wasn't me

I'm tired. I'm jealous. I'm sick. I'll pour my heart onto this. I have so many dreams, I have so much talent. I know if I wasn't so sick I would've flourished in this world. I'm not rich, rather, I'm poor.

Perhaps this was caused by evil eye. This could've been prevented somehow. If only. I know God is the most merciful, the most forgiving. I used to be SO healthy! They used to say I had a stomach of steel. That's all gone now.

As I lay in bed, crying in pain for only God knows how many days I've cried myself to sleep. They say, it's God washing my sins. They say I'm the loved one. The favourite of God.

Sometimes I think why me. But I'm not allowed to think that. Sometimes I think why couldn't it be my siblings and not me. The potential I have, this sickness controls me. If I'm stressed, I'm sick. If I'm hungry, I'm sick. If I'm tired, I'm sick. If I have any of the delicious foods in the world, I'm sick.

I wanted to become a doctor, I wanted to help everyone. I don't care for religion, skin colour, race, sexuality. I just wanted to be the doctor I never got to meet. The doctor that listens, that has empathy, that understands that pain and would stick up for everyone because I KNOW THE PAIN.

I'm not allowed to commit suicide, I'm not allowed to do self harm, I'm not allowed to do drugs. How can I alleviate myself from this constant pain.

They say, look at those who are in worse conditions then you! Be grateful, thank God. I am grateful, but I am still hurt, I am still sick, my feelings and pain deserve validation, they deserve to be sympathised with. IM HURT TOO.

Doctors can't call in sick everyday, medical schools don't look at people who don't have full course load, medical schools don't look at people with low GPA, medical schools don't look at someone with no extracurriculars. I'm average. I'm sick.

I'm scared to die, I'm not ready to meet God. Sometimes, may God forgive me, I wish it was my siblings and not me. Everyday? Everyday I'm sick. I'm in pain. I'm uncomfortable.

They say, patience, look at the prophets. They went through worse and they were patient. I guess I'm weak.

No one believes in me. I don't believe in me because I'm sick. Because it seems like a dream. Unreal. Unattainable. Out of reach. Out of my league.

I was never the smart one, I was always confused, behind, assisted. I wish I was gifted, I wish I was healthy, I wish I was given another chance at life. I wish I had 2 parents in the picture. I wish I had a rich family, I wish I had caring siblings, I wish they believed me. I wish they treated me.

For indeed it's the ones who are after money, clout and fame who become doctors. Where are the passionate empathic doctors!? Where are you when we need you the most. Why is the system infested with so much evil people?

Why is the hospital filled with the most evil people? Who don't care!? I've only met 2 doctors who actually look like they care! 2!?!

I hate you all, I hate you all!!! I hate you people for having the life I deserve. I hate you healthy people who take advantage of your health. I hate you people who have a better life than me. Who are lazy, drug addicts, and have no reasoning for life. I hate that you waste what you have. I hate that I had to be the one sick. I had to be the one stuck in bed. I hate you all for not listening to me and doubting me. For saying all those clever coincidental times I was sick I was faking it.

I deserve this life more than you. We sick people deserve this life. You are ungrateful not me!!! You will never understand. How dare you tell me to quit crying, that crying doesn't help. IM TIRED.

I pray to God that we heal, all my sick friends, who are sad, suffering everyday like me. I pray we gain freedom. I pray we get the lives we deserve. I pray we forget about the pains and sadness we went through.

If only I wasn't sick, if only I wasn't fragile, if only I was given another chance at life. I would've taken it. I would've taken advantage of it. I would've soared through the sky. I would've reached the stars.

But for now, and for however long God does this to me. I'm sad, I'm hopeless, I'm lonely, I'm depressed. Please pray for me. I'm so sad. I'm so so so sad. No one gets it. No one gets me. No one understands that I deserve to me hugged and held and loved.

I may make it seem like I don't care for kids and love and marriage, but I want it more than ever. If only someone would love me through thick and thin.

Hold my hand when I'm in pain and pray for me. Love me unconditionally and not make me feel doubt. Love me, hold me, kiss me. I just want to be taken care of. Even in a state like this.

I hate this life. I hate this jail. If only she didn't ask for a little sister I wouldn't have been born. I wouldn't have gone through all my struggles. I wouldn't have sinned. I wouldn't have guilt. I wouldn't have regret. I wouldn't be sad. I wouldn't not existed. It would have been serene.

I hate this life. I hate that im scared to die and that I'm not ready to meet God. I hate that it was me. I hate to say why me, but why me? If you love me to much God why me? Please....

Forgive me dear Lord, forgive me for my selfishness. I'm at the lowest point in my life again. I need help. I need you. Please give me a better life. And heal me. And protect me. And make me forget my past so I may start a new beginning. So I may be free.

Please pray for me my brother's and sisters and all religions. For indeed a prayer from 1 is better than a prayer from none.

- The lonely dreamer

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The lonely dreamer Religion July 26, 2025 at 1:24 am 1 0