I just want therapy

I'm PMSing rn so I'm unusually upset, not even sad, just super annoyed like why wasn't I taken seriously earlier, and I'm hoping this relieves some of my frustration and motivates me to do better for myself.

I've gone for therapy three times in my life, now I'm older, and it's not free, and I am almost angry that I felt like I did try for myself and got nothing in return. I'm F21, black and queer. I grew up with religious African parents, and for my entire life, I feel like I've just been lying to everyone about the obvious, just because I know they're waiting for me to suddenly confess my sin of being gay, or maybe it's just their outward shame. I really don't know. What I do know is that when I was a teen, I kept trying to find ways to live truthfully. I'd tell some friends, but that seemed to backfire on me like every time.

I dated girls who hurt me traumatically, and I wound up most broken about the fact that I couldn't seek any consolation from anyone because no one knew. The one time I was caught, only repenting mattered, I guess, not that I was now riddled with anxiety and barely wanting to go to classes, one time I had a panic attack mid-class and left. This was my first time being forced to speak with a counselor when I started crying in the office, asking if I could get picked up. Not sure why I asked, but I had never really been a bad kid, so I worried it would become a police matter, and I would've hated to cause issues. I was told to speak with the counselor, but I wound up just brick walling. The next time I'd have panic attacks, I'd just leave school or hide in the bathroom. I never went out for lunch break or anything. I hated being around so many people. The vice principal, multiple teachers saw me like this. Deep down, my family knew what was wrong, but no one really tried to connect with me on my level. It was just school, why am I missing school? Why am I becoming a B- student?

I asked for therapy the next year, I couldn't focus in classes. I did an intake, which was okay, but I was asked if I was spiritual. Now the thing is, at that time I really was hoping there's a god (I guess I still do), but I was very exhausted with Christianity, so I said, "I guess. " Apparently, this was a fucking call for religious intervention, and she decided to put me with a religious counselor who was also African and very sweet, but in summary told me to pray. Like I haven't tried that.

So filled with more rage, I thought I could just feel better on my own. If you ask me about my mindset, it has been fake it till you make it that and it did help, but honestly, it was mostly quiet anger. Not with my grades, though. I started pulling Cs, but I was at least engaged in school more discreetly. I tried to volunteer and help where I could, and man, that really helped. In the back of my mind, though, I still had a lot of anxiety, and I still just left classes, and I never went out for recess, so I crammed my breaks with random student clubs. This weirdly paid off because I had a good amount of volunteer hours and some great awards at the end of the year. I also somehow got into a really good program.

My first year of uni, I lost a lot of family members and almost flunked out. I sought out therapy for grief and help with academic stress because I was literally failing. Did another intake, this time I didn't say I was spiritual... Met the therapist, also African, and at first he seemed nice, and then he asked about my sexuality. I wanted help, so I was honest. He asked me, "Why?" I "think" I'm queer.

At that point, I don't think I have ever lost so much faith in religion, society, school, and life. I wanted counselling for grief and academic support, and the very question that I have been forced to put so much weight on was dropped onto me once again. My therapy session turned into a cross-examination, and I was once again a sinner. I remember just giving some really short answers, and I was lying again. I haven't asked for counseling since I just checked his therapy profile to find out intake matched me with the only religious counsellor. I don't even know how that could be.

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anonymous Other December 08, 2025 at 11:49 pm 0 0