I regret going to college

I wish I was more adamant in taking a gap year after graduating from high school even if my parents were absolutely against it. I didn't even have proper plans about my future, like yeah sure I was in STEM but I fucking hated every second of it. Now I'm in a BS Biology program that I just went into because my parents wanted me to pursue fucking premed shit and I just accepted because I didn't have a goal nor did I see a future I would build for myself. My mental health deteriorated at the start of 2nd sem due to family issues that I couldn't cope with properly plus I've always been weak when it came to numbers, and this sem; statistics + calculus + organic chemistry = my limit. I did pretty well in the first semester, but right now in my second, I'm about to fail 2 of my major classes that are a pre-requisite for next school year and 1 stupid minor calculus class. The stress is making me want to slit my wrists again but WHY WOULD THEY CARE. All they care about is stupid fucking bragging rights.

My phone also broke during all this so i'm living solely on my laptop. I can't tell my parents about the phone so I was thinking of doing art commissions to afford repair. I've been refurbishing my art skills because it had been a while, and doing that while trying to study absolutely annihilated me. This is nobody's fault but mine. Can't even sob my heart out because I have roommates.

I did discover through practicing my art skills to prepare for commissions, that even if I spent hours on studying art-related topics such as anatomy and proportions etc., I really enjoyed it. If there was one thing I always had passion for, and made me feel alive, it was drawing. But somewhere along the way I lost that flame because I let depression eat at me my entirety of high school. I've been regaining my love for the art back, and I do feel mentally better when it came to that, and it made me think about things. I should have gotten an art related program instead of this Biology bullshit that I don't even enjoy. My parents also think art is stupid, that "AI art" is much better. AND I CAN'T EVEN EDUCATE THEM ON THE MATTER BECAUSE THEY'RE INSUFFERABLE CHILDREN THAT WON'T TAKE ANY ANSWERS ASIDE FROM THEIRS.

I want to change programs and uni, I really do. I told them about how I hated my current program and about what I wanted to pursue, and oh boy. My mom? went batshit insane. Sent hours long paragraphs of stupid texts that I won't bother reading. I was telling them about the benefits of this one program that I really wanted to take, which is Multimedia Arts. And I admit, it is expensive, and the only uni nearest that offers that, is a private one that takes 1 day worth of traveling from my hometown. So tuition (because it's private unlike the state uni i'm in right now) along with additional rent fees for living space and utility bills. It's a really expensive program. But i'm so afraid to regret not being more passionate about what I wanted. All my life i've been so numb and depressed, the one time I feel like I have hope and a purpose, I can't even pursue it. I know we're just mediocre when it came to our financial situation, so I anticipated rejection already (spoiler alert: they said no), but the way my mom really went at me when I told her about the possible tuition for that program. She told me to become a prostitute to pay for it because nobody can pay for it. Did she have to say it like that? I just wanted to tell them about how i'm really suffering in my current one and I don't know if I want to continue here. I would already accept their rejection because I know we can't afford it but nevertheless I wanted to try. I know I can be capable of a scholarship in that uni, I can also apply for financial aid. But it just, hurts so much what she said to me, and I can't get it out of my head. She's the kind of person to point at people that have "less than ideal" jobs and tell me to do better so I won't end up like them, and especially hates prostitutes. I've never liked that side of her. And for her to associate me with something she loathes, it leaves me so bitter. Dad didn't even say anything. I don't know anymore. I just wish I can improve more to take commissions already for the time-being.

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iwannaunexist School May 07, 2024 at 10:32 pm 5 1